AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2015... SIT THE HELL DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP, BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR JUICE'S ROUND WRAP UP... NUMBER ONE
AND WITH OUR FIRST INTRO MUSIC FOR 2015... TO CELEBRATE MELBOURNE WINNING A FUCKING GAME... MR CONWAY TWITTY!
THURSDAY NIGHT- CARLTON ORGANISE EMERGENCY SAUSAGE SIZZLE TO MAKE UP FOR USUAL DISPLAY
Richmond (15.15 105) d. Carltank (11.12 78)
Richmond have won their third straight Thursday night opener against Carlton after roaring back from a 23 point margin in the 2nd. Jack Riewoldt paid tribute to his recently deceased cousin by kicking 4 goals, whilst Sandgroper Kamdyn McIntosh had a fantastic debut in the yellow and black- shitting on the Vics on the MCG.
It was an explosive opening minute: Brett Deledio got reported just 5 seconds in to the season and will miss a week, and Dale Thomas left 50 seconds later with a popped shoulder- gone for 6 weeks.
Carlton dominated early on, but kicked inaccurately to quarter time (4.7 to 2.3) and extended the lead into the 2nd quarter, with debutante Jaksch making full advantage of some Tiger turnovers to lead by as much as 23 points. But the Tigers caught fire and kicked the next 7 goals of the match, as the Blues would not kick another goal until 5 minutes into the 4th. Carlton did not make things any easier for themselves by mistaking umpires for teammates. A late Blues fightback was well contained by Richmond, who kicked 6 goals to 5 in the last, to win by 27 points, and take a shit on Old Mick's promise to go the season unbeaten.
Juice's MOTM= Kamdyn McIntosh- 27 disposals (78.3%), 1.2
And as a bonus, here's Malthouse-Stevens Part 427
SATURDAY- FUCKING HELL, THE DEMONS WON IN ROUND 1, THE BOMBERS WIN IN THE COURT ROOM BUT NOT THE FOOTY FIELD, PIES LAUGH AT BEAMS, BULLDOGS WIN, NO ONE NOTICES
Melbourne (17.13-115) d. Gold Cunts (13.11-89)
Everyone, for the first time in 10 years.... MELBOURNE WON IN ROUND ONE! ALL HAIL THE ROOSURECTION!
Out of all the new dawns for the Demons, this one has started off the best- Several new faces, including Harry O'ffended, Jeff Garlett and the finally he played a game guy Jesse Hogan played very well, and ruined Gary Ablett's return to footy. Melbourne kicked 100 points in a game for the first time since the Norm Smith era as well. To compound the Cunts' misery, Matt Shaw was reported for hitting Dean Kunt in a marking contest, and will miss a week.
The Dees led at every single change, 9 points at 1/4 time, 25 at 1/2 time, the same at 3/4 time, and a final margin of 26. It looked nervy at times. especially when Ablett kicked 2 goals in succession and cut the margin to just 8 points.
But even Gaz made 2 crucial mistakes in the game- a handball to Garland for a goal, and a fumbled handball just 5m out from a certain goal which led to a 12 point turnaround. It appears that even the Bald Jebus will need time to get back into it.
From then on, it was party time for the Dees, as they went on a scoring spree to seal the deal- capped off with goals by Lalalalamba and Paul Hogan, to secure Melbourne's first round 1 win since 2005, and showed remarkable improvement on 2014.
But for now.... MELBOURNE ARE IN THE TOP 4... THE REDLEGS ARE ALIVE... GET ON THE BANDWAGON YA CUNTS.
Juice's MOTM- TOM MCDONALD
COLA Cunts (10.12 72) d. The Not Guilty Crew (9.6-60)
In another crazy week of Bombers off field activity, 34 players were found not guilty of taking whatever fucking drugs they were on the grounds of a lack of evidence
Jim Hird also expressed his concern about a lack of match conditioning affecting the Bombers during the game.
As it turned out, he was right, very very right
For three quarters, Essendon shocked everyone and looked like a V8 leading Bathurst by over a minute, leading by 41 points in the 3rd and 34 at 3/4 time, until they completely ran out of gas, and the Swans ran over the top to kick 7.4 to not a single score in the 4th quarter.
Essendon were excellent for 3 quarters in the wet at ANshit stadium, despite losing Myers in the first 5 minutes to a shoulder injury, Adam Cooney played like a brownlow medalist, kicking 3 solid goals, including turning in to Malcolm Blight at quarter time to kick a thunder cunt of a goal. The Swans kicked just a solitary behind to 1/4 time and a solitary goal by 1/2 time.
At the start of the 4th, Luke Parker (Sydney's best player on the ground too) was knocked out in a horror collision with Buddy Franklin, resulting in him being stretchered from the ground, which also seemingly kicked the Swans right in the arse and into action, sending them on a scoring spree, to which the worn out Bombers had no reply. Franklin and Tippett got off the chain in the last, kicking 4 of Sydney's 7 goals. The match sealed by debutant Isaac Heeney.
The Bombers came very close to getting 2 wins in the space of a few days, but this was simply a bridge too far for Hird's men. Fuck it, let's get on with it.
JUICE'S MOTM- Heppell
Druggiewood (12.14 86) d. Fitzroy Bears (11.8 74)
After an off season of losing Dayne Beams, and having 2 of their own outed for eating dodgy Kiwi beef in Queensland, Collingwood gave a fuck you to Dayne Beams by beating his Lions by 2 goals in Queensland.
The Pies led by as many as 53 points in the 3rd, but the Lions roared home and got within 2 goals by the final siren.
Collingwood dug deep and gave it 110% to come away with the win, but as a result lost Steele Sidebottom to a thumb injury.
The Magpies grabbed control of the game before quarter time, and from then on built a huge lead, which was enough to get them a crucial win interstate after a tumultuous week.
So yeah Dayne... eat shit ya cunt!
I haven't got many highlights, so here's a fire in a grandstand at the game
Juice's MOTM- D.Swan 3 votes
Footscray (14.13 97) d. West Coke (14.3 87)
Okay, honestly, who the fuck watched this, and who the fuck are the Western Bulldogs? Yeah sure, it was a good free flowing game with a fuckload of lead changes, but fuck me, I have no idea who the fucking Bulldogs are.
So fuck it, i'm just gonna ask our good mate Tubby Taylor about what happened.
"The Doggies won the game because at the end of the 4th quarter, they had more points on the scoreboard than the Eagles."
Thanks Tubs, anything else?
"Well Mitch Brown has suffered a serious knee injury, and as a result will now miss the rest of the season."
Cheers Tubs, and get well too Mitchy Brown, shit luck there again.
So anyway, if anyone could let me know who the fuck the Bulldogs are that'd be great.
Apparently these are the highlights.
JUICE'S MOTM- PUPPETT ON A STRINGER
SUNDAY- WHO ARE THE GINATS? TEX STICKS HIS FOOT IN NORTH'S ARSE, FREMANTLE SCORE POINTS, WIN GAME
Orange People (12.15 87) d. St Hilda's (11.12 78)
Walker, Texas Ranger (21.14 140) d. Norf (9.9 63)
Purple People Eaters (11.9 75) d. Port est.1996 (10.8 68)
MONDAY- SCOTT TEAM GETS SHIT ON BY A BIRD AGAIN
Tasmania (17.21 123) d. Former home of Ford (8.13 61)