Up until the last part, I can honestly relate to everything you have said. The difference for me is that there's no kids and we're newly married. But bar that, I relate so so much to what you've written.

I'm about 6 months after my affair was discovered me and AP broke up. And let me say... it DOES get better! I'm still struggling and I still love and miss my AP dearly. But I don't think about him EVERY night before sleep and when I wake up. I still do it a lot, and I love thinking about him... But about 3 months in I realised I wasn't doing it 100% of the time.

I've started to be interested in my SO again. That took many months though... And I really thought it would never happen. I remember vividly a moment where I thought "this isn't going to work. We're going to have to divorce". I even told him I felt this way, but it was too early on and we stuck at it. So I hit some very low points, I really did. It's such a ridiculously slow journey, I hate to say it. There is still so much left to do... But I'm starting to enjoy and appreciate my life again. It was always good to begin with, but I convinced myself otherwise during the affair.

New love, new relationship energy, that lust and raw desire. It's all so so powerful. Don't underestimate its ability to fog your brain. In my experience, you just need to give it time. So much more time than you're gunna want to, too. But just try to ride the waves... Try to be patient. Cause I honestly didn't think I'd ever feel better - ever. But I'm starting to be happy again... It's possible!

Last thought... And it's important. Never leave your SO for your AP. Only leave your SO because that relationship has no more hope left. That's what I'm working towards. If I leave my SO, it's because if after the therapy and life changes we've made we're still not compatible, then it's the best decision for us as individuals. You have to try get AP out of the equation (note: it's fucking difficult. I'm not there yet).