That was a lot of stuff!

You and I both know bipolar is cyclic, and it gets better and it gets worse. Acknowledging it is half the battle, and the harder half I think. Lots of people ignore it and think they're fine - that is true madness.

Personally, suffering through it without illegal drugs (which are completely unregulated and dangerous!) is real, and gritty and raw - like life. That's how we know we are alive, that's what I stay alive for; the emotion.

Feel it. Feel it all and take it in and let it overwhelm you and then let it go - just like the bipolar throws you around let the emotions do their thing and know they're just that - emotions. Your friend may come back around, she may not. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide how long you want to wait, but that doesn't mean you can't chase her. You can be raw and honest and maybe a bit manic or a bit low and be too strong or not enough.

Our disease is not one of timing, but one of adaptation. I'm sorry you're feeling so low, and defeated. To your point of staying alive for other people's sake - why is anyone alive but for others sake? Think about it, we are born into this world not of our own accord but of another's, yet we are expected to die of our own accord? Fuck that.

The famous line is "do not go quietly into that dark night." And that's exactly it! Don't chase death, you didn't chase life. Knowing that the only thing you have to hold is your emotions and your perspective might give you more hope for this life. You may be alive for others sake but you would be dead for your own and that is a bad reason to die: just because you exist.

Look, I love you. I want you to be happy and healthy and all the things you want, but I can give you that. No one can except you and your own grit. Your own desire to rage against the dying of the light. You have it in you, you can see the daybreak and you will have better days. Death will come to you sooner than later, and not on your terms. Be good, be safe - be you :)