Thanks so much for your responses, ladies! I just came back from three hours of bra shopping. The CLEAR winner is, actually, a sports bra: Jockey's Modern Micro Crop Top

There is no reason for me to ever subject myself to the torture of wires and boob and woman shaming again.

Because let me tell you, like I told (and proved to) the lady at the store: a 36 B will NOT fit. There is going to be some gappy shit going on if we try that. The problem is not my boobs, either (she actually said, "the problem is your boobs"). Now I'm not saying I haven't considered this possibility, but ffs, I refuse to think of them as more of a "problem" than I absolutely must. The problem is the economy of scale of manufacturing.

Features of this amazing boobsling:

seamless *wide band - zero indicator you're wearing anything, completely smooth line down the back. The Medium fits, if a bit snugly, still feels like I'm wearing something. The Large = bra, what bra? And yet my boobs are supported. I wasn't sure in the store, got 1 L and 2 M, but will exchange the Ms for Ls. *very thin pads to cover nips, also - between that and the microfiber - gently supports and rounds things out so I get a smoothed, *slightly rounded (T shirt bra-ish), but still natural shape. The pads are removable *comes in neutral colours (I got two boring beige ones and a cute purple) * so far, looks great with cotton tee shirts, blouses, sweaters. Would get a cute colour if I wanted to unbutton a blouse past the line. This is the one place where there's room for improvement, I think a slight v shape is cuter. But it's fine, it just looks like a bandeau with straps. Which means it's fine under tops and dresses that need bandeaus (e.g. wide armholes etc) *there isn't a gore or center seam, but it doesn't look like monoboob. I do think a center seam would be ideal, though. *It's just unbelievably comfortable.

I LOVE THIS THING