At approximately 11:30 p.m. on weekdays I walk to my bathroom, unzip my fly, extract my penis from my fly using my right hand to pry open the little hole in my boxer-briefs and the thumb and forefinger of my left hand to grab hold of and furthermore direct my penis into the open. From this point, I will give my penis a few good shakes and slaps and whatnot typically from the left hand to achieve requisite turgidness. I do not use lube. I do not use porn. In elementary school, I was frequently lauded for my spectacular imagination. I continue this adulation in private, with my privates. I use a pretty standard procedure for the actual masturbatory act. That is, I place the palm of my left hand underneath my penis and curl my fingers loosely over the top. I tend to start on an upstroke, that is, moving away from my body and towards the tip of my penis. This is perhaps the most unorthodox method of my form. I then proceed from my initial upstroke into a downstroke, that is, moving my hand down the length of my penis toward my body and away from the head. I repeat this cycle multiple times. I should also note that in my upstrokes, oftentimes, my hand will partially lose contact with my penis, typically so that only my last two fingers (ring finger and pinky finger) are touching my penis. The corresponding parts of my palm, too, then are freed from touching my penis.

In terms of personal flair added to this rather plain onanistic sequence, I tend to hunch forward once I feel that I've "warmed up", a phase of arousal that surpasses achieving erection, and further still than the initial phase of masturbation. This is sometimes coupled with my right arm curling up toward my right shoulder or the center of my chest, which I often realize is perhaps the most pathetic looking part of this routine, the weird hand-rising-to-the-chest-thing. It's bad posture, it makes me look small. I don't know why my body language instinct while masturbating is to make myself look small. Perhaps it is because I am a dirty boy. I am a dirty boy.

I'll also add in various grunts and what not. Sometimes memories of masturbating at home circa age 14 or so will come back and I'll want to be quiet so as to not alert anyone in the surrounding area that I'm such a dirty boy. I become particularly quiet by holding my breath, until I run into the obvious complication of that being really hard to do for long periods of time. So then I'll breathe really big for a couple breaths.

Climax tends to happen relatively soon after these big breaths. Perhaps this is not incidental. I don't know. I'm not a scientist; I just masturbate a lot. Most often, I'll push my penis down so that all my ejaculate will shoot into the toilet bowl. However, if you're taking notes, you'll remember that I'm one of those weirdos who masturbates with his pants on. Not wanting to get stray jizzum on my trousers, and being a relatively tall guy (6'2" which I think is around 183 cm for all you foreigners), I tend to plié in order to bring my dick closer to the toilet water, both to ensure there's a minimal area of exposed pant leg and to make sure that I don't overshoot the bullseye and land my load on the lifted toilet seat, tank, or wall behind the toilet. If some semen lands on the edge of the bowl or some residue stays on my hand, I wipe it off with toilet paper. Typically immediately after masturbating, I will then take a quick tinkle, get fully undressed, and get in the shower.