Grief and betrayal inextricably linked the summer I suddenly lost my beloved grandmother.
Oma had a gift with people and an inspirational strength, due in part to enduring the Nazi bombing and subsequent occupation of Rotterdam during WWII. She preferentially recounted only happier memories with her siblings from this time and considered herself lucky to have experienced so much joy. Some of my favorite childhood memories with her: a myriad of crafting and coin sorting projects for our busy little minds, daily dollar allowances for candy from the corner store for her 8 grandchildren (even though she cleaned houses for a living), copious amounts of tea served in my special mug (each grandchild had one) with speculaas cookies, taking me to the Netherlands when I was 10 to meet my extended family for the first time, watching her laugh until she cried (she loved playing juvenile, silly pranks), hearing her swear in Dutch because she assumed I didn't understand what she was saying (I did), her garden-picked rhubarb sauce, always taking the time time to really hear and appreciate anything you had to say (usually while peeling potatoes for dinner on her deck, with a rolled cigarette dangling from her lips). She was admitted to the hospital for the first time on a Thursday and was gone by the following Tuesday. God I miss her.
Two weeks after she passed away, my first love got drunk for the first time and hooked up with my best friend's sister and her friend at an overnight party that all of our mutual friends attended while I stayed home. My best friend's brother ended up telling me. In one fell swoop, I lost my circle of friends. He called me incessantly after we broke up to tell me he still loved me, showed up unannounced at my parent's house when I was home from college (he even crept into my room one night), had sex with the aforementioned "best friend" 3 months later and called me to brag about having threesomes with random girls.
The hollowness in my gut is like nothing I have ever experienced. I couldn't eat or sleep for days. Within 3 weeks, I went from 128lbs to 114lbs. After there weren't any tears left, I walked around in a daze and ended up blowing my summer semester.
9 years later, I still struggle with the unfairness of not being able to properly grieve the loss of my grandmother.
I have been in a fulfilling relationship with a wonderful man for the last 3 years. Despite all evidence to the contrary, there will always be a part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The good news: 1. The experience allowed me to realize how very important family is and that they will always come first. 2. If things weren't working out with my love, I am confident that we would communicate that to each other way before either of us decided that we felt the need to seek out different partners. 3. I have had the pleasure of meeting a handful of fantastic friends who keep my Oma's spirit alive with their joie de vivre and our treasured tea/cappuccino chats :)