When I was a freshman in college, I came out of the closet. It wasn't before long that I met him, my first love. He was a real wild card, a lot of fun, definitely one of the most exciting people I've ever met. By the end of my freshman year, we fell apart. Mostly because I didn't really know how to treat someone I was interested in, from being in the closet for so long. That summer I spent a lot of time realizing how much it means to others if you show them you love them. I'd notice couples all around me. They were everywhere, and I couldn't escape the feeling of having royally screwed up with the first person that really mattered to me. So I spent that summer trying to make things right with him. We'd started texting each other again. It wasn't before long that it became every day, and every night. That progressed into phone calls every night before bed. He'd told me he loved me and couldn't wait until the year started back up again so we could try again. (He lived in Jersey, and I'm in NY.) Next thing you know, sophomore year begins and I'm looking for him everywhere. Move-in day is over and I haven't seen him. I didn't get a phone call, or even a text message. I remained hopeful for something the next day. The rest is kind of a long blur, but he'd killed himself the day before sophomore year began. I knew he'd been scared of coming back to school, fearing he wouldn't have anyone to talk to, we'd talk about it a few times. I didn't realize how serious that fear was, I guess. I tried a few sessions of grief counseling, which just made me feel worse about it all, to be honest. It's all still very weird for me even though it's been about a year and a half. It's weird because I know what being sad is like, and I know what being depressed is like, and the feeling of losing someone who means so much to you is unlike both of those. It doesn't feel like something you can hope will go away eventually. It sits with you, in the background of every day that passes by and in every decision you make. My mind still plays tricks on me, and I see him everywhere, in people who look nothing like him. That's probably the worst part of it all.