Well, I was the one who cheated, but he forgave me, and I can tell you how it went.

Basically, after I made my tearful, self-hating confession he acted a little sad, and then he changed the subject, and pretended like it never happened. I tried to talk to him about he problems in our relationship that led to that point, particularly our horribly mis-matched libidos. He listened politely with a very sad look on his face, and then when I was done talking he changed the subject again. I felt horrible about it, because I could see how much it hurt him. The guilt really haunted me. I vowed to be a better boyfriend from then on (we're both men, btw), and worked on our relationship with renewed passion and vigor.

A few months later I did it again, and we went through the same cycle. Then we did it again, and again, and again. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't figure out what the problem was, and apparently willpower and wanting to be a good person really, really badly just wasn't enough. We went through this same song and dance over and over again for years.

Eventually the guilt got to be too much, so I stopped entirely for a few years. Those were some of the worst years of my life. My partner has almost no interest in sex with me (even though he swears that he does), so I just didn't have sex with anyone but myself. That lack of connection was really damaging to me, and made me even more obsessed with sex than ever, and led to some pretty compulsive behavior that alienated my closest friends. I don't have any real friend anymore, because of the way I behaved during that phase of my life :(

Eventually I decided that the guilt over cheating was actually preferable to the dysfunction that results from having no sex life at all, so I told my partner that I was going to look for a FWB situation, and that we could break up or we could stay together, but that either way I needed this. Well, he didn't say he was ok with it, but he didn't say he wasn't. He acted sad and hurt, but didn't want to talk about the problems or try to fix them in any way. Ultimately, the jist of our conversation from his perspective was "I don't want to change, I don't want to think about this, I don't want you to leave."'

So now I'm back in the position of looking for a new sexual partner, and trying to tell myself that it's the best thing for everyone, but hating myself for it anyway. The bad old days of cheating are back again, only now they're apparently the good old days, because the non-cheating days were even worse. 9 years of commitment and nothing has gotten better. Honestly, I wish he wouldn't forgive me. I wish we could just have the fights we need to have over this, and make some kind of progress one way or another, either solving our problems or breaking up. Just...anything besides being stuck in this endless cycle of guilt and repression and compulsion.

Haven't actively sought out anyone yet, because I still feel pretty scarred and dysfunctional from the past few years of repression....but I tell you, just knowing that I could potentially say yes to different guys I meet throughout my day is taking a lot of stress off my shoulders. Looking at guys with the knowledge that I could actually do it with them if we both wanted to is really interesting and exciting. Despite all the pain, this is the best solution I can come up with, so I'm going to go for it and do my best to enjoy it and do it in the healthiest way I can, and try not to hate myself too much.