Not as bad as a lot of people on here.

First real love. I was 15 and he was 16. Stayed with him over a year. Never realized how much he was just using me. He smoked weed a lot and sometimes did coke or psychedelics. I didn't want to be a part of that though so I told him I dont want to be around him when he was doing those things. Half the time we hung out he had just done something so he was high. He was my first everything via coercion.

At the time I did not realize that was what was going on. I was obsessed with being the perfect girlfriend and making him happy. If I would refuse him he would pretend to be all sad and pout so I would feel guilty and do what he wanted.

It was about a year after we had broken up that I realized that guilt trips = coercion = rape. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around that. I knew the first time was definitely rape, but for months afterwards my memory of that night was so fuzzy I wasn't sure. Apparently my mind had blotted out that night to protect me. So even after that first time I stayed with him for months afterward. After we broke up my mind turned him into a monster. I would get cold sweats and feel naseous when I saw him in school. I would have nightmares of him finding me in the hallway during class time and taking advantage of me. Its honestly crazy and stupid because he never was physical. Its been about 3 years and still if I ever see him around town I start shaking and sweating.

But its strange. To this day I feel like he didn't mean me any harm. We were both so young. I didn't know any better and I don't think he knew what he was doing was wrong. I honestly believe he loved me.