I'm in line waiting for an appointment to meet with a psychiatrist, but I do not know how long this will take.

I just had a question for anyone who suffers from major depressive disorder and, in particular, anyone with some form of Manic (BiPolar) disorder (I, II, etc).

I have believed that I have had major depressive disorder for just under 7 years now.

I have never felt stable or able to take on every day life in an effective way, and have just recently begun to question whether it may be a variation of Bipolar disorder.

Some of my reasons for wondering if this is the case:

Physical Symptoms (not as common): Ears ringing, extremities tingling, body “vibrating”, jaw chatters at times, waves of happy – like miniature orgasms, need to jump/flex muscles/shake body quickly, humming/dancing. Tight jaw – jaw lock (almost).

Emotional: I am amazing (not unstoppable - but amazing), high self love & self confidence, connection with nature, extreme empathy & caring nature, love emulates from my being, I can fix this world, I and everything am going to be okay, believing I can attract any person that I am attracted to, even if the situation is completely unsuitable (a professor, someone who is married or in a relationship).

Behavioural Responses: small spending sprees when I don’t have the money to do so (clothing, furniture, trip back home, moving provinces, school, alcohol, eating out, makeup, relaxation, anything really), quick decisions on somewhat major changes (moving across country, ending a relationship, changing career paths, dropping out of school (4 times - 2 additional online courses incomplete) getting new jobs, pursuing someone sexually to an extent that has negative effects on my life, moving from one party to the next. Party, alcohol, letting go are top priorities.

Other (or didn’t know where to categorize): Very intense sexual dreams. Grand plans and thoughts about the future. Changing my mind all of the time about my career path & life design. Feeling Connectedness to others – family, friends, professors, etc. Obsessing about one thing (i.e. fitness plan – nothing else matters. My relationship – nothing else matters. My art – nothing else matters). Irritable – on edge. Everything you do or say bothers me. That cat licking – I could strangle it. Inability to focus. So many things to say I feel like I want to keep talking forever.

*** Then, there are the reasons that I don't believe I have bipolar disorder:

I never loose grasp of reality. I am always there, just elated at times. It’s infrequent. I can’t remember it all that well (I have a TERRIBLE memory) so I don’t know if I am exaggerating due to desperation (need for a diagnosis). I am a very dramatic person. I can be quick to say “YES THIS IS WHAT I HAVE I JUST KNOW IT” …without the skillset or ability to truly diagnose myself. I have been living in my head for my whole life…it’s very hard for me to look at my life and say “that’s not normal” because it feels as though it has always been my normal. I do not relate to the dramatic displays of bipolar disorder seen in television/films.

All I know is that there are times where I believe I will be beyond okay, and then there is the other time (most of the time) where I believe that I will never be able to function properly and dig myself out of the dark deep pit of depression I am in.

My symptoms of depression are obvious. I could explain them, but it's not the point.

My "elated" feelings tend to happen 1-3 times a year (approximately - it varies) and for anywhere from 3 days - 4 weeks (approximately). Again, I don't have much of a memory of my past so it's hard for me to analyze effectively & without bias.

My depression tends to last much longer. From 2 weeks - 6 months. There are also periods of normal in there I'm sure, but they are infrequent and I forget them amidst the chaos.

I am not looking for a diagnosis from an online forum - I am seeking professional help. I'm just looking for some thoughts and opinions from others in order to calm my racing mind.

Much love to anyone suffering with any type of mood disorder <3 P.S. I am 23 year old. I lived with a step dad who was addicted to Oxy and was very emotionally & verbally abusive... so my mood disorder symptoms began around age 16 (I think?) and progressed to an unstable state by 18. (potentially) euphoric feelings began around 21.

The reason I am only beginning to question myself now is because I have had a history of alcohol & drug use in order to self medicate, and therefore have not really had a stable lifestyle that allowed me to analyze my symptoms effectively.

Medications I have been on: Effexor, Cipralex (currently) and another when I was young but I can't remember what it was.

Current Lifestyle: Cut out alcohol as of December 2016. No caffeine. Exercise 2-5 x per week. Supplements: Omega 3, Probiotic, MultiVitamin for women, vitD

Diet: Full of nutritious food. Though when my depression hits an alltime low, I tend to binge on sugary/fatty foods.

Any thoughts / opinions are welcome. Sorry about the lengthly read.