I'm 23 and my life seems defined by my illnesses, have a chronic pain/fatigue issue that hasn't let up for years, I was finally diagnosed with CFS/ME recently but that diagnosis is somewhat of a catch-all when people don't know what's wrong with you. I also have a severe chronic insomnia that numerous specialists have not been able to help me with. I have been extremely anxious and hypersensitive to things my entire life. in jr. high I started getting bullied (it was minor compared to others, a lot of things in my life were so trivial but seemed to affect me so severely, it's humiliating) and receded, I haven't been able to make a close connection since then...except online, I live with my boyfriend (my only connection who I met online) in the basement of his parent's house. it is a horrible situation and I constantly dream of having a place of my own, but I wake up every day in pain and can hardly function. I try to work online but any stress whatsoever seems to paralyze me. I'm in therapy and have been in treatment for a long time. I feel like my entire life was torn away from me, all I wanted to do was go to school and make friends and live my life, I had no idea any of this would happen, and I'm so lonely and exasperated and angry and miserable, I feel so intensely all the time because I do feel like I'm on the verge of killing myself..too often.
I spend my days reading (I recently read Demian by Herman Hesse, it was beautiful), redditing, watching movies or shows, trying to motivate myself to write or play music or make music (but I'm so entrenched in depression currently it's difficult to do any of that) and fantasizing about jumping in front of the train that runs by this house every day.
I don't have any friends and my relationship is toxic and often detrimental to..everything. I seem to have settled into this place of..completely baffling torment that I do not understand, I just feel tortured by my body and my brain every day and it's unendurable.
I grew up in poverty and I always thought there would be a way out of that, that I would go to school and get a good job that I enjoy and travel and meet people and fall in love with good people - and none of that is going to happen now, it has been years waiting for any change at all and working on everything and trying dozens of medications and different kinds of therapy and different kinds of 'natural remedies' and being obsessively healthy and nothing lets up
there are people in this world that can't be helped or die miserable or die after years of chronic issues and I believe I am one of them. I am only 23 and it feels absolutely terrifying and insane to have this life, I still mourn my life..my potential for a good life, every single day. every moment. I am alone and I feel trapped in so many ways, everything feels impossible and I know I would just bother people with my dramatic intensity, I also know that the physical and mental anguish I feel is real and will visit me no matter what I seem to do. I don't want to burden people. I don't want this to be my life
I don't know, I just want to be able to live on my own and have a little apartment and read and make a living somehow, far far away from this place. I've always wanted to move away and now it seems I will die here.
I apologize for this rant, I seem to do that a lot now. my brain is mangled by drug-use and sleep deprivation and I seem to repeat myself too often. I just want to feel rested or physically okay just once now. just one more time.
I want to go to college, I want to have a life. I beg every day for a chance at life again, maybe it's like praying but I can't seem to get myself to believe in anything other than this meaningless, painful life.