Lost my dad at 17.

He was 50, heart attack (silent MI for 48hrs.) I saw him downstairs talking with my brother when I got home the night before, was going to talk to him but figured I'd wait til tomorrow.

Next day, came home early to find him in the driveway. Those few moments of driving up the driveway.. everything felt off. Once I got to him, called 911..started CPR and waiting til ambulance came. They tried, it was to long (I knew he was dead before I started CPR.)

I ended up talking a few weeks off school. When I went back I hated everyone who tried the 'we are going to talk about 'x' so if you want to go to the library for a bit...' so I ended up dropping out and going through the college to get my diploma. After that I became a Paramedic because I figured if I can handle doing CPR on my dad.. strangers are nothing. It's true, but I also have a way different approach to people than most of my co-workers... I think it's because I have been on the other side of it.

Day to day, the new normal just isn't with him. I have alot of traits from him.. when they come out I miss him more. Some days are worse, some days I can't sleep because I spend hours thinking about him. Most days it just is. It's harder when others bring him up, and there are alot of little things I regret.

It doesn't get easier but it becomes the new normal of not having him around, after years you just.. get used to the pain. Days go by and then just like that it's years. I have 1 video of his voice that I like to listen to on his birthday. Pictures aren't as hard to look at, but listening to his voice breaks me for a day.

I wonder what would be different if he was alive.. my brother left him 30 minutes before our dad died and I can tell that eats at him alot.. I think he would of stuck to his then career path instead of changing.