A little dark admittedly but it's probably the most scary memory I have. I had some mental health problems as a child, it carried on for a while and I became very depressed, then isolated. One day I made a decision after days of pondering, I wanted to end my life.
I was a child, with no knowledge of medication and had no access to the internet. My own ignorance saved me. In tv shows and movies, you'll see a character overdose, and he/she will only be seen taking about 4 or 5. For whatever reason I assumed that taking this much in one go would kill you. So, I took 11 prescription painkillers and I think I took one tramadol along with it. I was convinced I was about to die, I had no doubt. I took extra to 'make sure' I couldn't possible live.
Anyways. I guess I went into shock, it was my first panic attack, and I thought I was dying. I couldn't see, barely speak, my hands were shaking, depth perception was a little off. I couldn't feel my legs properly. I sat with my mother for a little while and went to bed. It was the afternoon, it was sunny. I got into bed, lied on my back and silently cried, I remember the tears falling down my temples into my hair.
Unlike some time later as I got older, I was unable to see past what was happening at the minute, all I could see was what I'd done and how bad I felt, and it wasn't just a 'I'm sad'. It was a 'I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to talk, I'm sorry I ruined everybody's life, I just want it over with now, just let me die'.
So I fell asleep, but I thought I'd died. My mother woke me up a few hours later. I felt fine, except rather detached emotionally and physically. Realising that I wasn't dead and I was 'still here' brought no comfort, no insight, it brought nothing but emptiness.
Looking back on it, if I was a little older or I had access to the internet, or simply knew more about overdoses, I'd have taken a lot more because I'd have known how unreliable overdoses can be. It's scary to imagine one little difference could have meant I'd succeeded.