[Serious] virtuous pedophiles of Reddit, what is your story?

I suffered severe anxiety as a child, was emotionally neglected and on a couple of occasions molested by people in authority (though it upset me, I didn't appreciate it was sexual at the time). I had traits of OCD and ASD which were untreated. I was exposed to depictions of adult rape from the age of 10 which was a terrible introduction to sexual feelings. I was subsequently sent to an all boys school and with the onset of puberty began to associate the girls I'd had known aged 8-10 as an idealized "escape". By 14/15, in loneliness, I would masturbate to the idea of them (quite unaware that this was unusual) although also to adult porn. The desire to be with the younger girls died away as an addiction to legal porn grew deeper and deeper and depression set in due to a complete lack of healthy emotional habits. I remained depressed from my mid teens to my late 20s and during that time was dysfunctional in adult relationships with social anxiety driving me to crave isolation. At the start of my 30s my depression was treated thanks to a positive relationship i was in. I was distressed at that time to find that many old emotions and drives were being kept silent by the depression. Upon treating some of the trauma I had been through I began to experience attraction to young girls again and this continued for some years. I didn't seek out actual child porn but was unhealthily interested in how good fantasies could make me feel. I was aware that this was a terrible dysfunctional coping method throughout. At times I kept photos of girls that age, sometimes many. Never with the intention of doing someone harm, but as a self inflicted "drug" to (badly) manage my own feelings. This was unsuccessful (obviously) and further bouts of depression followed. Eventually I confessed to someone who was a counselor that my fear was that this tendency was inbuilt and I was unsavable. They worked through the facts of what had happened to me, the neglect and how certain impulses and ideas could have arisen as coping mechanisms. Upon being able to "open up" to them about all this the damn burst and I cried like I never had in my life. They helped me build when I needed in adult relationships and I found that as each of the wounds I'd experienced as a child was healed, that the impulses and ideas also eased away. Today I am a healthy adult - and although I am familiar with the intrusive thoughts that characterize attraction to children, I am able to identify them and move past them without it becoming a problem.

/r/AskReddit Thread