I'm only going to keep this up until I receive a response/PM from you.
I want you to read this and get back to me. I want you to know that you should not blame yourself for how you reacted. As a few know my handle, I will be taking this down once I hear from you /u/OutcastedKilljoy, it's not really something I enjoy talking about at all. No one does, yet it needs to be talked about so more are aware and so more don't blame themselves for their reactions.
I probably should talk about it but it makes me cry whenever I do and I cant stand peoples pity and "I'm sorry"'s. Or worse, blaming me for what happened.
I can relate to your reaction. Different scenario but similar in a way.
Last year I was sexually assaulted by someone who I used to consider a good friend. I fully trusted this person. So much that when he was kicked out of home, I let him stay with me for the night until he could figure out what he was going to do.
He crashed in my bed with me. It had happened enough times during our friendship that it really wasn't a big deal. Roll over on opposite sides of the bed and wake up the next morning. No biggie.
I woke up to him with his hands in my undies, assaulting me.
Me, being me, I always thought I would be the type to yell and scream. Shit, my flatmate is a damn scary dude (who has the biggest heart on anyone I have ever met). I could've yelled and screamed for him and I know if I had, he would have been throwing my 'friend' out on the street in two seconds flat. Probably with several punches for good measure.
But I didnt. When I felt what my 'friend' was doing to me I froze. I panicked. I woke up from deep sleep to full adrenaline rush in a second. My instinct survival or whatever just told me to be still, "keep acting like you're sleeping!".
I felt humiliated, betrayed, disgusted and ashamed all in one. In sheer seconds a ten year friendship was just broken. All the work I had put into him to help him get a job, get on better terms with his folks, to get him away from his meth addiction (he had done 11 months clean by this point), all down the drain.
I felt sick. I couldn't fucking move. Fear had honestly gripped her icy fingers around all of my limbs, my throat and my stomach, and she was letting this asshole keep his hands in my privates.
My only reaction? To pretend like I was waking up from all of what he was doing and roll over slightly. He stopped what he was doing immediately as soon as he realized I was stirring slightly.
He KNEW. urgh.
He KNEW exactly what he was doing and purposely took advantage of me whilst I was vulnerable and sleeping. This person was supposed to be my friend.
I didn't sleep for the rest of that night. I was too scared to move in case he tried something again. He being at least 70Kgs heavier than me, he could've easily overpowered me if he wanted to have another go. I couldn't bear to risk it. The only thing I could do was feel a deep shame and disgust at my own pathetic reaction.
It ended up going to the police . They asked me why I didn't report immediately. I said I was too ashamed and that they wouldn't believe me because I had let him sleep in my bed with me and that I didn't have a stronger reaction against him.
I remember being in floods of tears in the interview room. All these police in full uniform asking me really intimate questions. I remember being incredibly scared and like I had done something wrong. Like it was all going to be blamed on me somehow.
After the interview was over and recorded, the lady cop handed me a box of tissues. She sat next to me and held me for a while while I got snot and tears all over her nice kevlar vest. I appologised for it.
She looked me in the eye and said I needed to stop apologizing for my reactions. That how i reacted in the assault and how I was reacting now, were perfectly normal. Its all about survival.
She told me I didn't physically fight back because I knew deep down I would never physically win against him. That fear and adrenaline were my friends in my situation. I reacted by pretending to waken because that was my best chance of getting out of what could've been an even worse situation. I will never forget her words next:
"You and I will fight back. But it will be with the crown prosecutor, a good judge and us [the police] beside you every step of the way".
You hanging your head in the stall is no different. You were cornered, afraid, alone and in a situation you had no idea how to handle consciously. You did what came naturally subconsciously. You didn't kick and scream and make a scene because he could've made things a whole lot more hellish for you. The flight or fight mechanisim is a great thing. however, In both our situations, neither of those were an option. We did what we had to do.
I want you to know that what happened wasn't your fault. You should never blame yourself for how you reacted. You reacted normally.
Hind sight is always 20/20. Your mind will be full of "what if?"s.
Stop beating yourself up. It will not help your healing process. You didn't deserve this, nor are you a bad person for reacting the way you did. No one deserves to be treated badly, especially by ones self for thinking "I should have done this instead".
No.
You did what was right. You protected yourself and got the fuck out of there.
There will always be assholes who will say "You could've told the store staff or gone to the police after you left". No.
That's the morally right thing to do if you have some form of coherent thought after experiencing a very scary and humiliating situation like you have. However, you did what instinct came first and got the hell out of dodge.
Shit, I've typed too much.
I want you to know I'm thinking of you internet stranger. I want you to know I don't blame you in the slightest for what happened to you or for how you reacted. You are a strong person. I want you to remember that too next time you feel like "I should've done something!". You did do something. You looked after yourself.
You're alive.