I used to think that. I spent ten years (almost eleven) thinking and writing about this. I have thought every which way on what it could possibly be. And one day, it just hit me.
I thought because I was cutting (and I think I also have trichotillomania, because I pull hair and have been since I was nine), I was using my feelings for him as an escape because it was better to be there than it was to be in reality. I always used to think, if it was an obsession, how come talking to him didn't help? He even told me it was a figment of my imagination because he never, ever gave me any reason to have feelings for him. So why is it when I look into his eyes my brain shuts down?
There is absolutely no reason in my life right now as to why I would need a mental escape route. I love my life right now. I'm getting used to not being home, not being around my family. I love spending day in and day out with my kid. I have hobbies, I have no problem occupying my time if need be. I am not in the place I used to be when I first saw this man. I have grown exponentially since I have been in another country.
Actually, one of the reasons I had agreed to move out here was because I knew I would not have any support system of any kind, I would not have anyone agreeing with me, or putting up with my bullshit. I knew I would be isolated, and in this isolation, would have no choice but to deal with my life.
My husband has been a great mirror for me, showing me through countless arguments and fights and discussions what kind of bratty person I used to be. And because of this, I have grown in ways I never thought possible and never wanted to because I thought I was fine the way that I was. He is a good man, I do love him, he supports me in ways I never had in my life before. I love his personality, I love his humor, I love how we have grown together these past few years.
When I compare feelings of love that I have for my son, my husband and for this other guy, I just fucking know. All that crap people have been writing about love is true. I believe I just misconstrued it in the earlier years because of shit I did not want to deal with. I just put it into a box and shoved it into the darkest corner of my mind. Being alone with just two people to talk to the past two and a half years has forced me to be alone with my thoughts.
I actually started crushing on one of my husband's friends a year or so ago. He was super nice and was a great guy. One day I was staring out the window, looking at the snow, thinking about my crush, and this thought popped into my head, "I do not have room in my heart for three." I took a step back, and was thinking three...who the fu- and that's when it hit me. It hit me like a goddamned brick shit house. And from the second I realized this, I didn't crush on my husband's friend anymore. I had other feelings to examine in the light.
When I sat down five years ago to talk about this, the other guy didn't have anything new to offer me, because I had already thought about everything he said. I had already come to these conclusions by myself, and with the help of my bestie.
I have spent most of my life questioning and debating and wondering why the fuck I'm so crazy. Yes, I had shit happen to me when I was a child, I grew into a bitchy, sometimes downright nasty teenager with extreme anger issues. I grew into an adult who had no desire to face the problems she had imposed upon herself, with extreme anger issues.
Now, since my self-isolation, I like to think I am a well-rounded adult with a couple more things she needs to fix. I have no rage, I no longer experience torrents of emotions that make me nuts. I just love two men, one more than the other. And I am perfectly okay with this. I just do not want it ruining the life I have built, because chasing the dragon is stupid, and I try not to be stupid anymore.
Since I have had my brick shit house realization, I have reached a calm I never before thought possible. Before this, I thought with my learning about myself and habits, I had reached calm, and maybe I had attained some of it, but not all it it.
The inner peace that helps you to be okay with yourself. The kind of peace that helps you to reach new levels in your life, the peace that helps with these kinds of realizations, and I am better for it. I don't mean to inflate my own ego, but I am so much better than I used to be, so fucking much better. I do not struggle with my feelings anymore. I know what they are as sure as I know the answers to a test, because I have studied. And damn, did I ever fucking study this.