Gave my absolute trust and friendship to someone who turned around and utterly betrayed me.

Two years of relentless bullying starting when I was ~7 left me feeling very alone and desperate for friendship. When I was 9 years old an older boy (11/12) befriended me. I threw myself into that friendship. I was so happy to have someone to hang around / play with and talk to.

He used me as a sexual play thing. He literally fucked my childhood.

When it stopped I was left feeling like it was my fault; there was something wrong with me. I was friendless and alone again. I was too scared to talk to anyone. I didn't want to get into trouble or be laughed at so I kept it inside. I buried the memories and emotions as deep as I could and walled them in. I glossed over that dark period; downplaying the bad and embellishing the good.

My social status improved. I made friends and experienced love, but trust was something I did not allow. I masked my stronger emotions around my friends and family. I avoided physical contact: friendly hugs, hands on my shoulder even innocent contact. Expressions of affection / intimacy made me uncomfortable. I became skilled at projecting what I felt the people around me wanted to see and became reliant on them to define who I was.

Even in the following decades relationships were difficult. Opening up to a loved one meant letting my guard down. Expressing love and being intimate caused anxiety and could be physically difficult at times. It caused so much inner turmoil. I wanted so badly to be open with her but I wasn't strong enough to confront the underlying pain. It was emasculating.

Twenty years later and the walls that I built up around that time are coming down. I have been seeing psychologist for a few months now and I have finally reached the point where I have trusted a friend with my storey.