I didn't wanna chime in here, but now I kinda feel I have to..

I had depression recently, had it for quite many years (now in my early 30's), it sucked more than most people could even imagine, but I got a lot of therapy and help, and now I'm a lot better (so please, I urge you to at least listen a bit to what I have to say). I have a lot of experience with many sides of it, and none of it is ever easy to deal with. I understand that maybe for you, at this point a lot of things may seem like complete shit to you, so I'm not gonna address your language further than this, because I've been there myself: I made excuses, I called people dumb too, the works.

But to get to the point of depression and getting help, and what works or not: YOU - yes, you, have to want to change, first of all. I know it sucks to hear, but that really is an important step. You can get a lot of help, but you also have to accept that help. You have to want to change, I cannot stress this enough. Tell yourself "I wanna be in a better place than this shitty hole, I wanna beat the crap out of that asshole devil on my shoulder telling me things I don't wanna hear or feel. But how?" That's the first step. Life can get better. I don't know you, and you don't know me: but trust me when I say that the end destination is totally worth the effort. I've said this before, and I'll say it again: if a guy in a time machine came and offered me a million dollars in exchange for all the therapy and help I've gotten, there's absolutely no way I'd say yes to that today, no way in hell. I do not wanna go back to that dark place I found myself in, not ever. But just keep telling yourself that you do really want to change. Let that be on the top of your mental 'to do list', until the day comes when you can manage to change, and are given the opportunities to do so.

Depression can fuck with you in so many ways it's ridiculous, that I know all too well. It can make you feel like complete shit, it can make things and people and everything around you look like shit. Your favourite movies, meals, video games, whatever, anything and everything you used to enjoy - all turned to shit. But you can change that view, and the first step, even if it may feel intimidating at this point, is to admit that you need - and accept that you need help. Convince yourself that you really can change. I don't know what, or if there is anything, holding you back today, maybe you've experienced a ton of more shit than I ever did in my life combined, or maybe you just don't happen to have that many options at this point: but you have to make the first step, and never back down from wanting to change to be better. Now, I also know this may suck to hear at this point, but you just have to make an effort. The good news is that you really don't always have to go through this alone. Other people who are helping you, can actually provide that extra energy you may need for your journey. And as mentioned: the end destination is worth it, because, seriously: fuck depression.

Another important point I feel I have to make is that what may work for some, may not work that well for others. We humans can be really complex sometimes, and sometimes we may have to find our own ways, and figure out our own solutions.

But when you have gotten help, and you get some distance, you'll see depression for what it is: and it may or may not be what you expect: there's you, and then there's your depression. Those are two separate things, remember that. You are not your depression, even if you carry it around with you 24/7, or if you feel consumed by it. What depression really is, is nothing but a dark monster that fucks with your head. Things like therapy helps you create a distance between you and that shitty monster, until one day you can keep the depression at bay, and tell it to stay back, because guess what? – You really are a lot stronger than that monster, you just don't know it yet. Then you can make that monster finally listen to you, not the other way around.

I still struggle with things to this day (still in therapy), but if I knew back then, when I struggled the most, what I know today, there is no question about it: it would have been so much easier to accept that there was in fact a way forward, to a healthier me. And yes, I know how difficult it may be for people who struggle, when they are deep down in a hole, to hear someone tell them that "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" and all that crap when they can't even see the fucking exit. But take it from me, who was in that shitty, dark place for a long, long time: There is a way out of it. It may be hard to get here, it may take a long fucking time, but the place I am in today is a thousand times better than dark, dark hole I used to be in. Consider me writing all this like reaching down to you, telling you it's time to get up from that damn hole. You're doing yourself no good down there. But you need to reach back.

Finally: I'm sorry if I sound condescending, and I hope I didn't come off as being too preachy here either, but from what I hear, I'm familiar with at least some of the feelings you are probably feeling in life right now. And if I'm gonna put it short: I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that if you are deep in a hole right now, trust me when I say that there is a healthy way to get out of that hole. It just takes time, plus some - or more - effort on your end.

(also, sorry if my english is bad, second language and all, plus it's in the middle of the night here, and I should have gone to bed.)