Sexy Animal Time

Recently I was on yahoo answers just browsing around, and someone asked the question what is the weirdest fetish. That question didn’t even need to put weirdest in front of fetish, because that word instantly makes things sound creepy. The word fetish just ruins stuff, fun things like balloons and ping pong. Even normal attractions, adding the word taints it. Like, if you said you have a fetish for beautiful women, people would be like so you want to be them. But yeah, most of the answers were poop and pee porn, one you had gizz on your hand and touch things in public, but there were a ton of people saying bestiality. I think that’s because whenever you hear about someone having sex with an animal, it always seems to be a farm animal or some homely looking thing like a goat. That got me thinking about if I was a member of the animal fornicating community, what animal I would be proud to say I did it with, something that wouldn’t force me to move, and certify me as an icon. I came to the conclusion that if I had to fuck an animal it probably has to be a giraffe. 
Giraffe’s are exotic; they seem like the unattainable species, the supermodels of the wild. A little intimidating, but after studying the suave moves of the Jack Hannah, I’d get it in. To ease myself into the group of giraffes I’d start with a joke, and be like, “Hey thought I’d swing by, I HEERRRD there was a party!” And they would all laugh really loud. It’s a giraffe joke so it’s okay if it went over your head. I would then walk among the herd, looking up under their legs to see which one of these giraffes are females. I don’t want to mistake and seduce a male that be embarrassing. You think there are homophobic animal fuckers. Guy’s like, “that horse has a really nice ass.” “That one. The one near the barn, that’s my horse Larry. What are you gay?” “No I’m not. Not at all. From this distance he looked different.” Anyways after I found the loveliest giraffe I’d throw the charm on. “Hey you got nice tone legs.” And she would answer all sassy looking down on me, putting neck into her answer, “I know I look good!” “Good you should, and I bet we would make great looking kids.” I thought about that and all I could picture was a person with really long dangly limbs and neck, freakish. Then I’d be like, “anyways you look a little horny.” “Oh, you noticed.” Then we would get it on.
 I wasn’t sure how they did it so I researched it, don’t judge me it was actually very easy to find information, wasn’t the only sicko. There was an article on weird animal sex, seahorses are strange animals, but yeah had to clear my tracks on that one, typing on the families computer, not trying to catch weird look. That happened to me once, with regular porn though, I forgot that 12 am is the start of the next day. I felt the vibes from my dad and kind of knew right away from what, it brought me into a sweat fit. Anyways I found out that the male drinks the female’s piss and if it tastes alright they do it. I know strange but that’s what they do. And that’s my brings me to my point, wild animals and humans are just so different and it’s hard to find attraction in each other, and the cases of finding mutual attraction are rare.  Humans might not be the only things into that shit; wild animals may have a thing for humans, thinking it would be nice to rub up on our soft hairless skin. Kind of sounds like buffalo bill, but we don’t know. There isn’t any match.com for that kind of stuff, and that is why outer species mating is looked so down upon I think because it’s assumed to be rape. We think humans should know better and should be able to control their urges and not force our selves on helpless animals. Aren’t we all animals though, and the thing is, the opposite doesn’t really apply, when animals mount humans its funny, at least I think so. If you told me that your uncle was humped to death by an orangutan, I’d have a hard time not laughing. I think I’d be a little more consoling if it was your aunt though, because she’s a woman. But if your aunt was to be the one seducing the orangutan then people would think it’s weird but entertaining. 
People aren’t really sympathetic to grown man rape. If you’re a grown man and your attacked with a wiener people may react the same way that I would if your aunt got dicked by an orangutan. If you told your friends a man crammed his balls in your butt, they either wouldn’t want to talk about it or make it seem like you caused it, like, “were you sending him mix signals, did you wear those ripped Abercrombie jean?” You think there are dudes out there that carry out man rapes for hire. I bet there are, I don’t know, never really had any reason to ruin someone’s life. But like if you had a bully, and instead of getting someone to beat him up you hire the big bad Terry The Oakland booty Raider; I guarantee that bully won’t be so rowdy after that.  It would be like that shitty MTV show Bully Beat down, where a MMA fighter sits on your face. I love how people think MMA is such a tough manly sport when all day they are wrestling with each other in tights. I bet you go undefeated if you fought with a boner. The thing is that grown men are just part of that group of animals that are looked at in a different light, given less sympathy then others. Like I know it’s mean and unnecessary but for instance I would feel wonderful landing a devastating blow to a shark, as I learned from the Snapple cap fish can drown. If I actually did it some may find that bad ass, but no one would persecute me for it. And if I kept track of how many spiders I killed, you would think I’m weird but you wouldn’t put me on trial. I love people associate spiders as scary Halloween decorations. Similar to that if someone said they butt rushed a grizzly bear until it whimpered, there be a period of amazement followed up by the question “why” and then you end up thinking they are kind of a jerk. To sum it up just make sure the animal wants to have intercourse, because dicks are gross and not even animals like to be surprise by them. 

P.F. Wiguy