I just have no clue as to how I would even begin. Highschool was a class of only boys, and university more or less the same.
I am an intimate person, meaning that I much more prefer having a small but very close set of friends. This means I generally hold a negative view on people that I haven't got to know yet, unless they're friends of my friends, in which case it's alright sometimes. I just have this bad experience with people - I can't help but see everyone else around me as complete idiots unless I know them to be otherwise. Walking through downtown on some of my more depressing days makes me see nothing but human cattle, so obsessed with consumerism and making noises as if they own the streets.
I work at least 40 hours a week, but being sort of self-employed means there's lots of responsibilities and thereby stress. I come home every day tired, wishing that the unavoidable dota match will be somewhat enjoyable, before I go to sleep and wake up the next day. Don't get me wrong though - I wouldn't trade my job for anything else in the entire world, I just wish the day could be an hour or two longer. Saturday feels like the longest and most boring day ever, but I don't have the energy to get out of my appartment. Sundays just feels like I've wasted my weekend, and I wish I could do something like excercise, but it's cold out and I don't have the finances required to go to the gym any more.
I've tried Tinder since March/April/May sometime (weeks and months are jumbled inside my stress-filled memory) and I have yet to have a single match. With that said: I haven't been active every single night, but at least twice a week since then. And yes, I stay on until Tinder tells me there's no more new people.
I just have no clue as to what I would even say or do. I don't want a relationship just to have a relationship. I want to meet someone that could be my best friend and partner in life. I just have no clue as to how I would do that. Going to a bar and meeting people just feels like the most unnatural way ever of meeting. It feels so shallow and I hate it.
I want someone to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me.
tl;dr I guess depression or something is stopping me, but I don't have the time or energy to figure it out.