FWB has my reddit handle so I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST FRIDAY AND WOULD LOVE TO HANG OUT AGAIN NEXT WEEKEND. HI. <3

But also: ever since I've taken up 'dating' in the way that I have, I've come to realise that the thing I want most is to want someone and to feel something during sex, to be entirely present and happy to have sex or to have had sex in the particular moment and afterwards, versus the kind of "wow look a box of chocolates let's eat one and then another and then wow the box is gone." I knew, in the back of my head, that this likely would require romance, but in the mean time I wanted to try and understand my body better and to understand relationships and people better, even if at a low level of intimacy.

In a lot of ways I have, but FWB pointed out to me how uncomfortable I am with intimacy. How I paradoxically say that the one thing I want to do is to feel something during sex (although I realise that probably won't happen outside of a relationship) but I try my best to remove sex of any meaning. I always kind of knew that, but I've never had to confront it verbally and really frame it to myself critically. I was feeling very nervous the day we met and admitted that unless I sleep around often enough that I get used to doing these things with virtual strangers, I'm basically like a nervous virgin every first time.

It embarrassed me, because I know it didn't mean anything to me emotionally, but it meant "something" to me (to have sex), and I didn't want anyone to think it was romantic, and I guess a part of my pride wanted to be able to let go of the shame and embarrassment of being exposed to another person for one of the most potentially intimate / revealing acts in existence. And I also was forced to realise that while my selfish desires have a lot of overlap with my concerns for the other person (ex. establishing I'm not valuing the sex we have both to remind myself not to get too comfortable for someone whom I don't like for reasons beyond lust and immature possessiveness and to communicate to the other person that there's no need to be paranoid about my motives and desires with them) and I apologised for being so aloof and possibly making him (and others) feel very objectified. Ionno. It's something I'll be thinking about for the next few days.

I still miss the guy I have a crush on like an idiot and am weighing whether to work through friendship or to just avoid him and come to terms with the fact that I'm a slave to his pheromones.

I saw a friend yesterday and we had some bomb umeshu (well, I did) and watched some anime and I comforted him about his lady. It was weird to watch anime with someone I'd had sex with. I felt neutered.