I do believe Joe was sexually abused in some way, though I've never heard of it happening. It's just something I suspect. Though it in no way excuses his behavior, it does... I guess explain it to some extent?
I'm really not sure if my grandparents know. I wouldn't be surprised if they did, but they would never be the ones to start a conversation about it with me. The family is full of shame and secrets. They sweep everything under the rug.
I don't want my mom to have to explain to the family why I stopped communicating with them. As terrible as it sounds, I have fantasized for years about confronting them myself and holding them accountable for their actions. I'm still unsure as to whether or not I will visit. I thought about writing my grandfather a letter, my mom gave me his address today. But I'm very afraid of wording something wrong and adding to a dying man's misery.
My mom didn't get into a lot of specifics just yet (I think she could tell I was upset over the phone, though I tried to hide it.) Apparently it's very aggressive. 2 months ago he was fine, and since then it has progressed very quickly. I'm not sure about the terminology and don't want to give you the wrong information, but when I talk to my mom tomorrow I'll ask her to explain the specifics to me again. She didn't tell me how long the oncologist thinks he has left just yet, but she did say "it's bad."
My mom is actually moving a few states over in about a week and currently lives about 4.5 hours from where my family lives. I could ask her to set something up, but the family respects her just as little as they respect me, so I'm not sure how that would work out. I think I'll start with a letter to my grandfather specifically, then a phone call, and if it can be arranged, a visit in person.
Thank you for being a good person and for caring about a fellow human that you've never met. I'm in awe of how thoughtful and insightful humanity can be and the impact others can have on my outlook with only a few words. I hope that one day someone gives you hope in a time of uncertainty just like you gave me.