I hugged somebody two weeks ago. An evening of too much tequila in too little time may have had something to do with it, but I didn't really draw any gratification from it. There she was, a woman I have known, admired, and even believed I loved for a while. I felt the protuberances of her chest against mine, but it meant nothing. I'd have frankly been disgusted with myself if I'd embraced her with the intent of extracting some perversion from the moment. It was platonic, and it was brief.

I followed it up with an attempt to kiss her on the cheek, or perhaps do the continental kiss on each cheek, but instead I had no idea what I was doing, and mostly just gave her cheek some two day traveling bristles, and puckered vaguely in the direction of her ear.

I'm not sure about how other people feel about these things, but I've become largely closed off to sensory moments. I haven't been caught out by a gentle touch, or the smell of perfume in ever such a long time. As it happens, I find gentle touching and prodding to be infuriating, and I tend to bat away or strike out at all non-consensual contact. I was in half a mind to throw a man down an escalator recently when he had the nerve to press himself right into my back. As for willing bodily contact, there's a world of difference between brief, playful touch, and prolonged naked snuggling - the latter of which I have no knowledge.

It helps I find, to close off the body and focus on the long term objective of having a partner with whom to share touch on a more intimate basis. It is my own view on things, but I actually find the notion of being sensitive and open to all manner of random encounters to be creepy behaviour. It does of course mean that when in a position to be exposed to such random experiences - such as in the above anecdote - I'm closed off and vexed by how limited my appreciation of the moment is.

Do yourself a favour OP. Don't get attached to the girl. Focus on the studies, and making yourself more eminently touchable in a context outside being used as leverage.