My boyfriend is this way with me and I, too, find it very difficult to apologize and have been told that I have no personal accountability because I sometimes refuse to apologize. I've been thinking about this whole situation a lot and still can't come up with a good solution. I really don't feel like I should apologize for something that I do that isn't wrong or for something that I definitely did not do at all.

Apologies at my dad's house were basically discouraged all together because if I was sincere, I was accused of being manipulative and if I wasn't perceived as sincere I was being defiant so I just stopped caring if my dad wanted an apology. Instead I tried to modify my behavior to either stay further out of his way or else own whatever things I did that I could justify fully.

I don't ever do intentionally mean or rude things to anyone. And I am happy to apologize for actual mistakes. But when someone has unreasonable expectations, how are you supposed to apologize for not living up to their standards? Their standards aren't your own...

I think it comes down to respect, but mutually. I think that if he moves the sink strainer and doesn't put it back and freaks out on you, it is reasonable for you to point out that it is possible that he moved the strainer and that the best course of action is that if anyone notices the strainer is moved, they should move it back and remember that no one and nothing was injured or damaged by the situation.

If he can't agree to handling things that way, I personally would suspect he's got control issues and eventually it would be beneficial for you to gtfo of there. Coming from the situation with your dad, especially, you know that we have a proclivity for ending up with other abusive or messed up people, right?

Honestly, because I can empathize with you and your situation so specifically, I give you props for handling it the way you already are. I have gotten in many an argument with my boyfriend over apologies and the best I can say at this point in time is that he's at least calmed down about the little things like me not running the dishwasher with only 2 dishes in it because why the fuck would I waste all that water? He wants me to waste the water so that the dishwasher is always ready for a full load...But does he ever decide to hand wash two lonely dishes so that the dishwasher is empty but we didn't waste as much water? NOPE. .... I digress.... man.... living with people is weird. :)

So.... to answer your specific questions: If it comes up again, mention to him that his standards are not your own, that it is reasonable to expect that there will be differences in expectations between two people living together. You could even tell him that the thing you did or did not do was not done or not done to intentionally cause him discomfort and treating it like it was a personal slight lends more weight to the situation than is necessary or reasonable. IF you feel like it would help, you could apologize for unintentionally hurting him and ask him to explain to you why he wants things done that way. Maybe lead him to see that he is only adding stress to his life when it doesn't have to be a stressful thing. And always remember, there is always room for improvement in your own life. There are always ways to show your respect for the other humans in your life. Make sure you're being respectful in the reasonable ways, and try to get him to loosen up when he sees you're not being intentionally awful. It is taking FOREVER but it is what I've been doing with my boyfriend... and it seems to be working a bit.

Good luck!