I have a group of friends who are touring musicians. The would stay with my husband and I when they came through our town. Apparently they acquired a stalker along the way that followed them through Europe and continued to do so through their US leg. She had apparently left her husband and family to do this...She had gotten really violent and would attack the main guy that she was obsessed with. They had left her picture with the door guy so they would know not to let her in. They had taken out a restraining order in San Francisco but couldn't get it served (some weird time limit laws)
I go out front of the bar to have a smoke and I see her dancing up the street. She's wearing gypsy type clothing and sunglasses at night. Great, as I mentioned before, they are staying with us and she is now at the venue. I tried to talk to her and asked her why she was doing this. She just kept repeating "I'm in the band". That was the only thing she would say to me. She got real close to the door and the door guy wasn't being very observant. I could see this going south pretty quickly so I called the cops and told them the situation. Once they arrived, they talked to her but couldn't really do anything. They told her to stay on the other side of the street from the bar.
The guys finish their set and they are loading up...well...guess who shows back up and starts walking towards the van. I cut her off before she could get there and stood in front of her. I told her, "I think you should go now" very softly. She started blabbing the "I'm in the band" line again and I became infuriated Jager probably had something to do with this I really didn't want this crazy bitch to know where we lived, nor did I want to go to jail for hitting her...
My brain shrieked YOU MUST OUT-CRAZY HER!!! LICK HER FACE! So I grabbed her face in one hand and licked her from her chin to her forehead while she was in mid-sentence. I once again quietly said, "You should go" and pushed her away...she ran and we weren't bothered again that evening. The guys thought it was hilarious.
TL;DR Out-crazied a stalker by licking her face from chin to forehead.