This seems so minor in comparison to some of the heart-wrenching struggles people have written about. I feel almost stupid writing it, but here goes. :-\ I'm sorry in advance if it's arrogant and narcissistic. (I guess it's probably definitely narcissistic. . .)

I have a pretty firm and perhaps unfair belief that my sister tried to destroy everything I had worked really hard to achieve, and can't find it in myself to forgive her. She has an excuse, I guess, because our parents weren't all that great when we were kids. (I now have a very good relationship with them, so I'm not incapable of forgiveness generally.) But in the end, I think other than myself that she did the most damage to me. To this day I agonize constantly over whether I'm arrogant or not, simply because I'm just a nerd. If I talk/write in my own voice and about things that I like and find interesting, is that arrogant? But on the other hand, maybe it is arrogant, because not everyone gives a crap about old books, or philosophy, or history, etc. and I definitely can bore some of my friends to tears! :) I let myself be convinced by her that who I was (and who I'm finally starting to be again, thank god) was not a good person. She'd convinced me there was no way to be my own nerdy self without being personally offensive and dismissive. She was disgusted and angry at me if I ever said anything that made her feel "less smart" than I (so I couldn't say anything she didn't know, let alone anything disagreeing with her). I frequently heard that I was so rational I sucked the joy out of life, that I was an elitist, that I thought I was better than everyone, that I was selfish. . . And we only ever got along when I became nothing but a pothead (she herself is one), and when I didn't have access to it, I became a drunk. I stopped being a bookworm, opinionated, playfully argumentative. The (abusive) relationships I had were with a pothead and a raging alcoholic, and I became miserable and depressed, I was distant with my old friends (who hadn't seen any real problem with the me that my sister despised), I let everyone down including myself.

I almost lost everything I cared about and liked about myself because someone close to me didn't. And in digging out of that hole, I can't find it in myself to forgive her. I can't even make myself believe she didn't mean to do it. Because I will never stop wondering, at some point or other, what if she was right about me, and I'm the one who really is wrong? Even this post seems arrogant to me and I'm sitting here (and have been for a while) trying to decide if I should even post it.