I regret being so secretive with him when it was bad as well. When he gradually noticed I had a problem, he would encourage me not to drink. Hence I would hoard alcohol and save any money I got from my job at the time to put towards nights out. (I paid my way for everything, I just wouldn’t disclose where my albeit small amount of disposable income was going). I had secret stashes and I’d encourage him to go to sleep before me so I could start drinking them without him seeing and being ashamed of me. His approval means a lot to me and always has. I was Never cruel or abusive or unpleasant to him, just dishonest for the sake of alcohol. I think that’s what I feel so guilty about now, for him to see how effortlessly dishonest I was must have really affected his ability to trust anything I say, even now. And again, I wish I could convey to him that in the throes of a binge, it feels like a method of survival to maintain your stash. I wouldn’t be able to lie outside of addictive desperation, I’m a terrible liar, but the lies that come so naturally when you’re desperate to continue abusing a substance … It must have been so hurtful to him as someone that’s never experienced addiction, though he’s never said that. I hate that he saw me be so dishonest, I’d hate for him to think that it is an aspect of my real personality. I hate that I’ve given him reason to believe that dishonesty comes naturally to me. My real self, I cannot keep anything to myself. As on these posts, I’m so verbose and in depth. I hope he understand that I was just addicted to alcohol and that I don’t have a deceitful personality. He’s such a lovely person he deserves to feel secure in our relationship. I hate how alcohol has affected absolutely everything