This is a loop of my actual daily thoughts, as I've posted before. Just needed to write them down for fake social contact.

I'm sorry for being selfish and for wallowing in self pity and searching for validation. Paradoxical, given that I'm writing this right now, which might fill both criteria, but what else am I gonna do? I'm just very lonely and this is the one place I leak everything into (unhealthy, I know) and I make myself to be a victim. The fact is, that me killing myself, like in my many fantasies, you know, making everyone who ever wronged me and my old friends see what they did, yeah that classic, is very unlikely, unless I fall into an actual psychosis or if I get real depression.

My parents deserve better. They are the reason why I'm not dead already. I have all these fantasies, as one might, about becoming famous or just becoming a distinguished person and being cared about. I so want to matter. Macro, not just to my family. It's never gonna happen. I will die unhappy. I don't see an universe where I am happy. I was born to this way.

The fact is that I am just like anybody, be it a whole lot more quiet, socially anxious, passive and ugly. I'm a total outcast of society. I don't want to go outside to party like a person ought to. I just want to be alone. That's why I'm so lonely. I don't have to be, but I choose to be. I hate having to talk in a group. Inside my head I'm much more. I have dreams and aspirations and I swear that I'm interesting. Nobody just has and will ever find about that, because I will never ever share it to anyone.

I don't care about people doing their fake caring bullshit. So few people actually care, unless you give them something back, other than caring them back. My friends don't care. They've seen me go awol for months without as much as a "are you ok" message. Not saying I blame them, I never tell them I need help or about anything really. They never asked. Well I would've lied even if they did ask, partly because I hate group dynamics. I just want to have an actual connection with someone that matters. One on one. Just trust.

I just wish I liked the company of people more than do. I just wished I could die happy, knowing that my friends made it all worth it. I don't actually care about my friends to the point where they make my life what it is. I try my best to be unselfish and someone to look up to, but I've failed and I'm more than sorry. I really am. Like I wish I could just swallow the hurt and live like a lobotomite, which would seem just the same on the outside. I can't and it hurts to allow myself to think too much and if I don't occupy myself constantly I get so sad and I forget my surroundings.

My life feels like a failed science experiment. The worst personality traits put into the weirdest vessel. I'm like that character that dies first in a horror movie. I'm like a character with 0 charisma in an rpg game. My self hatred might seem like a ruse to get like 5 pity karma on reddit but it's not. I shouldn't exist at all.

At this point I'm just posting this because I want to log my thoughts and I've written this for way too long now. I just had to get this off my chest, as always. I'm being selfish not answering to more of you guys' posts. That's what this should be about. I see a lot more sad comments here lately, might be just me or maybe the summers end. That brings along a lot of anxiety to many. It's good that we have a place to come together and share those anxieties with each other. Stranger to stranger. God bless the internet, and you, good night.