Before starting therapy: I was stable. At times quite unemotional maybe, but calm and rational. I was blissfully unaware of the extent of my issues. I always knew I'd have to 'get therapy' someday because probably I was affected by my life not being so great. Life was just life. Familiar. I knew how to relate to myself. All the hallmarks of extreme avoidance coping.

Since starting therapy: I've had an anxiety attack. I've had ptsd flashbacks. I've had self harm feelings (very briefly). I feel unstable. I don't know myself anymore. I notice feelings and physical sensations that are unpleasant and I just want to go back to nothingness. Every week I feel like a failure because I can't talk in therapy. I feel embarrassed about my story and someone hearing it. I know some things are just below the surface and it's gonna be coming out and I don't want it to.

Now, before anyone says that I should tell my T and we should probably slow down - my T knows and we're going at a snails pace. All of this is happening in my own mind between sessions because of this 'commitment' to finally talk to someone. I haven't even talked about any of the stuff yet. It's a miracle I manage to show up each week and not be a mute.

Maybe my T isn't the right person? Maybe I'd not be so freaked out with another person? But I've tried twice before and didn't last this long and they were both very different type of therapists. One was even more distant and analytical than my current T and the other was way more humanistic and self disclosed and even tried to comfort me with a shoulder pat and sitting next to me (which I wasn't comfortable with). This to say that I think a different therapist probably wouldn't make this any easier for me. I feel like right now my main issue is fear of being in therapy. Which is a very annoying start to the whole thing.