I'm clinically depressed and this summer I got off antidepressants entirely for the first time in two years. I literally took my last dose the night before my last exam. I also suffer from a debilitating form of OCD that few people understand, but that's irrelevant. I've been through therapy, CBT specifically, I've called a crisis hotline, I've been through all sorts of atypical stuff. If you look through my post history, you'll find that I occasionally post here and there when I'm in a lot of pain, I stopped bothering to use throwaways. I mean I already do have a form of anonymity, but I'm pretty sure that anyone who knew me in person, even just a little bit, would be able to figure out who I was if they just looked through my post history. If you look at my academic transcript, you'll see grades ranging from F to A+. What's the significance of all of this? It's that I don't actively try to make my depression go away and pretend that it isn't a part of me and I don't try to pretend that my life didn't happen the way it happened. Instead, I just tell myself that the rest of my life hasn't happened yet and the world is so much more than what I'm experiencing at any given moment. The question of why, I can't really answer. I try to make meaning out of life as I go long. Every day, I'll give you a different answer. Today, my answer would be that I'm just curious to see how my life would turn out if I kept trying to contribute to something bigger than myself. On other days, it could be that I'm craving a Big Mac and have to hold on until I'm free to grab one on Friday. On some days, I'd tell you that life is weird, on others, that life is suffering, occasionally, that life is great. You don't need to know exactly what you're living for, you just have to live one day at a time. One thing you need to internalize is that depression lies, I'm pretty sure that there's something in the world that you're curious about, or something that someone could say that would make you laugh, or some food that you're craving, or something out there that you do want to do even if you don't know it yet. The fact that you're posting this is evidence enough that you know that depression is lying to you, that you know there might be something you can learn, some answer you can get. You feel that this thing has taken control of your life, but it hasn't, that's just what it wants you to think. When I find myself feeling really hopeless, I try to convince myself that I am autonomous, I get up, put one foot in front of the other, shower, get dressed, walk out of my house and do absolutely anything, some times, I just walk in a random direction until something comes to mind, sometimes I get something to eat, sometimes, I just walk and look at things. What inevitably happens is that I realize that there's something I want to see, something I want to experience, sometimes, I don't know exactly what it is, just that it's there and that I could find it in the future. Another really important thing is to be empathetic towards yourself, you have no reason to hate yourself, you're the only person that truly understands what you've been through and what you've suffered, and you need to be a friend to yourself. You should try to do something today, anything, it doesn't matter what it is. Maybe try reading a book, I would recommend you try reading Man's Search for Meaning, it's a great book, maybe a couple of pages in, you'll be curious to know what the writer has to say, and that'll give you some reason to go on for a while. You need to realize that you have a lot more power than you think, and keep trying. I logged on to Reddit today not really knowing why or what exactly I intended to do, and I came across this and decided that I could try to help you because I've been here before. So today I can tell you that I'm living to help people, that's what I'm doing this for. Tomorrow, it could be something else. I can promise you that things will get better and everything will start to sort itself out when you just try to get moving and doing thing, even when you're uncertain, even when you're sad, even when you're scared, I can promise you, things will get better and you'll be okay.