Throwaway for reasons.

When I was a kid we grew up really poor. It never really hit me, because we always lived in low-income housing around other people who were poor. My parents were alcoholics, but at the time, home just seemed like a big fun party, unless they were fighting over bills.

I was 8 years old and I had 4 older brothers (I was the only girl). My oldest brother had a friend, we'll call him Tommy. He was older than my brother, mid-20's, worked at the same grocery store as him, and needed a place to crash for a few days. My parents wouldn't have turned down the money, so they let him sleep in my brother's room.

One night, I woke up to Tommy touching me and licking me. I slept fully clothed for some reason, as I probably didn't have pajamas and didn't like my brothers seeing me half-naked. I remember Tommy kept trying to push my jeans out of the way to get between my legs. He licked my cheek and I remember the smell of beer so strongly that, to this day, even a whiff of it gives me a panic attack.

I pretended to be asleep. This sounds utterly retarded, but the truth is, my dad was awake just in the other room, he'd been fighting cancer and drug addiction, and I just couldn't bring myself to escalate an already unbearable situation. It was already terrible, but was I going to make it worse by upsetting everyone and causing what would probably be a giant fist-fight? I just couldn't. I played dead basically while Tommy touched and licked me.

He didn't do much else. He got up and left not long after, and I was scared of him coming back to do more, so I sat up in bed and started playing with some of my stuffed animals to alert him that I was awake, and not a very good target anymore.

That wasn't even the part of the event that made me realize the world wasn't a safe place.

It was when Tommy came back into my bedroom, looked me right in the eye, and said to me, "Why don't you go out into the living room and sit with your daddy for a bit?" His face had turned ashen white, and he looked terrified. He didn't seem like he'd take no for an answer. I can't really explain now what made it clear to me, as it was all in the way he was acting, but it became really obvious that Tommy needed me to go away so he wouldn't be tempted to hurt me more.

And that's what made me realize the world is fucked up. Not that bad things can happen, because I'd always known that (one of my brother's had molested me prior to this), but that people can do bad things while knowing what they're doing is awful and feeling bad about it, and still be tempted into doing it. When you're a kid, you're taught that people are good or bad, like black and white. A bad person was an evil monster and only wanted to cause you pain and suffering. A good person was pure and true and wanted you to be safe. Having the contrast settings turned down on my worldview was terrifying.

My parents kicked him out a couple days later, because some of their money had gone missing. I really hope he didn't go on to abuse others, but a big part of me thinks he probably did.