i'm so guilty. i do it for the fame. for tomorrow. a tomorrow that i rationally know will never come, but what else is there. i think miller had something to say about men living lives of quiet desperation while the house burns down.

we are so short lived, and there are so many of us. we are unique and not unique in both form and spirit. but we want to be seen as an individual. or at least be seen.

i hear u. i made music because it was just me and the music. and i was trying to get the music in my head out. but soon come the fantasies of making it, of people loving it, of being big. of being unique and seen. maybe it's just human nature, like evolutionary in scale - that we seek not to just do things well - but to be the best. we seek the appreciation of our clan. or maybe it's a flaw - narcissistic greed, fear of death or annihilation.

when ur a young man you make art for pussy (no offense meant). you've usually got no money, nothing much - so you paint, or write, or mix and you hope it will at least get you laid. when you're older you make art to make sense of this life. the brutality and beauty of it. you want it to mean something. u want your experience here to matter. and of course you want to leave a legacy. on the walk to the grave we want to leave at least our name.

what you're talking about is a sort of state of grace, locked in your room with parents asleep, the whole world waiting. no pressure, plenty of time - just u and the music - everything is possible, nothing is tried, and you're not tired. that state of grace is hard to hold. i think c.s. lewis said something about the hardest thing to do is to wake up, and stay awake. most people (including myself) sleep. it is easy to crash on the couch and play videogames. and really - is there anything wrong with that?

luckily i make art that no-one likes, no-one has ever liked my paintings, or illustrations or writing, or music. i am bad, or sad, or crazy, inept. this is sort of a blessing. i CAN'T get good, or famous, can't get respect or luv. and that provides a sort of energy or impetus for creation. the outcast, freak, hermit. now i (try) to make art just because i think i have something to say, and mainly just because i only feel alive when i have that radio play thru me.

a friend once said we are not the radio, we are the music. but i don't know. i think we're the radio - and when we write a line, or get down some musical phrase that NEVER should have come out of us - but did. it gives you a purpose (i can't believe i just did that). like tuning into something bigger than yourself.

no - if i was the last man on earth i would probably not work so hard on my art. i would be busy redecorating buckingham palace with all the goods i could steal from harrods, driving around in some fast cars, and making girlfriends out of strategically placed pillows and belts. ;)

but yeah - i would still do my art - even if i knew the earth were headed for the sun - because at the end of the day - thats' all i have to offer. i think we all need to give back, serve some purpose. have value. a valueless life is the quickest route to the grave.

i appreciate your journey, your writing, and that you took the time to share it. you're a good writer. keep it up.

there's a quote about genius that someone else on reddit shared awhile ago:

"Carl Rogers, a founder of the Humanistic Approach to Psychology, expands on the idea of a genius trusting his or her intuition in a given field, writing: "El Greco, for example, must have realized as he looked at some of his early work, that 'good artists do not paint like that.' But somehow he trusted his own experiencing of life, the process of himself, sufficiently that he could go on expressing his own unique perceptions. It was as though he could say, 'Good artists don't paint like this, but I paint like this.' Or to move to another field, Ernest Hemingway was surely aware that "good writers do not write like this." But fortunately he moved toward being Hemingway, being himself, rather than toward someone else's conception of a good writer."

at the end of the day - you have to look to yourself for validation, trust yourself, and try to keep the fame-machine away, it has ruined many good artists and will ruin many more to come.