Not being there for the birth of your stillborn child.
Back in 2012 my wife and I were expecting our first (unplanned) child. Everything was going fine, the midwife said our baby was fine and that we could expect a perfectly healthy little girl, which was a relief as my wife is somewhat petite and we were worried that our baby may be born underweight.
Flashforward 7 and a half months and we had almost everything in place, we had bought new clothes, a new cot and had redecorated the old study into a new bedroom, all in anticipation for the arrival of our little one. I then got called into work and they explained that they needed me to go abroad for a few days to help with one of the sites overseas. It was an annoyance I admit but I thought "Well it's only a couple of days, whats the worse that could happen?" So I packed my bags and said my goodbyes, telling both of them to keep out of trouble and with that I left.
Everythihng was fine for the first 2 days, I got regular updates from my wife telling me how the little one was being a pain by constantly kicking and just being a fidget, no different from normal really. One the third day I got a phone call from my wife saying that she woke up in the morning with this terrible pain, I suggested that it may just heartburn or perhaps she had just slept funny, in any case I told her to call the midwife and see what they say. My wife then calls the midwife who tells her that it is probably nothing but if it persist then to call her back around midday. Midday comes, still in pain, my wife calls the midwife who tells her to come to the hospital striaght away. In a panic my wife calls me and I tell her to grab her mother and get to the hospital as fast as she can.
She gets to the hospital, explains the situation to the on-call midwife and is rushed in for an emergency ultrasound. This is when she is told they couldn't find a heartbeat. "Maybe she has moved position? Maybe she is just being a pain? Surely nothing bad has happened?"
I will never forget that phone call, the time or the place I was when I picked the phone up. "Our baby has died" I can't really describe the feeling those words had on me, the best comparison I can draw is that it is like someone has stabbed you in the chest with an icicle while simultaneously pulling your stomach out. I just cried.
After composing myself I explained the situation to my manager (Who had travelled with me) and we began planning my trip back as fast as possible. Even though it was descibed as an "emergency" flight home it was still take 24 hours before my flight would depart. I don't think I slept as all that night, I just remember lying there crying. It was just before midnight when I received a text - "She has been born"
I had missed it. Missed the birth of my first child. I wasn't there to hold my wives hand throughtout, wasn't there to see my little girl be born. I just... wasn't there.
It kills me, even to this day it kills me. It is one thing to lose your child, I personally think it is another thing to lose your child and literally be 2 and half thousands miles away when your stillborn child is born.
It was the longest 4 hour flight of my life, I know the cliche phrase is to say it felt like an eternity but this flight felt so much longer than even that. Once we landed I rushed striaght to the hospital to see my wife and daughter. She was just perfect, our little slice of perfection, forever out of our grasp.
I know this thread has asked what is impossible to understand until it happens to you, but I would never wish this on anyone, ever. The hurt, the pain and the never ending frustration, there are days when it just feels like to much.
As... weird or horrible as this may sound there was some good that did come out of this whole experience. We found out that my wife has a blood clotting disorder, the cause of the stillbirth, knowing this we can go forward and we will be able to have future children, it has also revealed the same disorder in my wives sister, so at least we have prevented my wives sister from going through the same experience as us.
I miss her everyday, she will always be my little girl.