I’m 28 years old. Since I was 14 I’ve wanted to die. I still feel as if I do some days, but I’ve helped myself since then. I never wanted to have kids because If I can’t take care of myself, how could I possibly take care of a child in a world that I perceive as cruel? A past girlfriend of mine became pregnant with my child, despite having safe sex. I attempted suicide some time after realizing I was going to be a dad. My little girl is 4 now and loves watching sunsets with me, petting our dogos, and spending time with me looking through my telescope to see cool stuff in outer space that she has so many questions about. The one question I never want her to ask is why her father killed himself. I love and live for her, as well as other things to provide sustainability. I will use what knowledge I’ve gained from the mistakes my parents made towards me in a great effort to guide her so she does not make the mistakes in her adult life that I made. If she inherits the mental illness I have, I will do all things to help her.
Some days I feel guilty for bringing her into this world, because I know that once you live, the only way out is death and as someone who has come close to death, it is FUCKING terrifying. Some experience horrifying lives and deaths. I will only do the best for my daughter so she, hopefully, will not repeat the cycle cycle that my father, and the father before him, enabled.