Made a throwaway just for this. It feels cathartic just to post something I've told almost no one in real life.

Sold a gold religious medal my grandmother gave me at a city pawn shop to be able to afford driving out of state to the most accessible abortion clinic, staying at a garbage motel in NYC, lying to my family about where I was because they are extremely conservative and I needed to make the decision of what to do without that kind of outside pressure. Had broken up with my boyfriend a few days prior to getting the positive indication on an at-home test, was in denial for months about the entire thing, before deciding I needed to at least get checked out by a professional. Turns out by that time I was too far along anyway to legally get an abortion, so the baby was getting born whether I was ready or not.

Just thinking about the insane mix of emotions I was going through at the time makes me glad I don't live in that moment any more. Absolute fear of the bodily horror of pregnancy, anger at myself for being so "stupid" as to get pregnant even though I was on birth control, despair as I could feel myself slipping back into depression I had worked so hard to leave behind. Truly felt out of control.