i’m terrified of failure. so terrified that it’s hard for me to get started on things and push myself to work on them. i panic every time i have to try something new. i overthink everything and i really don’t like to. it’s something i accept about myself, but god it’s hard to push sometimes. i grew up learning the feeling of humiliation very intimately, i became close friends with loneliness. it’s hard for me to break now, really hard to overcome the traumas that programmed me. i’m chronically lonely now, out of self protection. i cry almost every night because of it. i want to make friends but it’s not easy when i feel like i’m in a different stage of life than most people my age (19). i want friends that are in tune with themselves and have a positive and loving energy, but i’m so afraid of disappointing people like this that i just end up making friends with people who are mentally ill and influence me negatively. it’s comforting, in a way. i know i have a lot of work to do but sometimes life just overwhelms me and i can’t find the strength in myself. i’m tired of living like this, i’m tired of being afraid of myself.