Hi, I'm sorry you are struggling. I just wanted to comment because I've been in your position quite a few times and have made 3 attempts that landed me in the hospital (I guess I'm not very good at it!). However, my older brother had a "successful" attempt when he was 21 and he died by hanging himself. The pain of losing him was worse than anything I've ever gone through. Yet, knowing all this and how horrible that type of pain is, I still have very strong suicidal thoughts - fully aware of how much pain I would cause others to feel if I were to die. I think suicidal thoughts can just be extremely powerful and convincing. I also respect a person's autonomy and while I do not understand fully my brother's personal reasons for taking his life, I do understand how overwhelming and painful life can be.

I think many people have had at least passing thoughts of suicide or at least death (and I think that's pretty normal!), but I think it becomes an issue when we start planning and thinking about how we would realistically go through with it. I've noticed for me, everything in my life (choices, my past, the direction my life is going/not going, etc.) crystallizes and I begin to justify my reasoning. It becomes clear that I am not where I need to be, am not who I should be, have enormous regrets, I'm a loser, am easily replaceable, people will miss me but will get over it, people will ultimately be better off for it, etc. I also realize that certain people and animals will likely suffer more with my passing than others. I think those particular people or animals (for me it's my dog) keep me going during particularly dark times.

I think it's good that you reached out even in this post. Suicide is scary! Death of any kind is scary I think because this life is really all we know. I struggle with mental health issues and alcohol abuse, and I feel like suicide is always on my back burner. I don't really have any advice other than to say I've been in a similar position, it gets better, but it will likely also get worse again, but then it gets better, etc., etc., life constantly fluctuates. I would suggest if you're able to, talk with a mental health professional and try to be as honest as you can be. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and just know that a stranger is hoping that things will start looking up for you sometime real soon.