I am having a REALLY hard time letting go of my ex. He was so horrible to me, but I committed to him and I'm having a hard time just giving that all up. Highlights of our marriage (which last 9 months until he admitted to cheating and doing drugs and wanted nothing more to do with me):
- I was in my last semester of school and student teaching so I was working 60 hours a week for no pay. I also worked a part time job to help pay bills because he REFUSED to work. I would come home from 16 hour days and as soon as I walked in, "Where's dinner? Why isn't it ready yet?" I would spend my weekends cleaning our place which we would trash during the week.
- My part time job didn't cover our bills and family had to help. It was humiliating to me. How could we (me: 28, him: 32) NOT manage to pay our bills? Oh yes, he refused to work. Anyway, I donated plasma to buy groceries. He donated plasma to buy himself donuts and gas money. I'm anemic so often I wouldn't be allowed to donate. One stretch was so bad I cried in relief when I made it in. I haven't had it as hard as some people, but relying on my body for food... it sucks to remember it.
- He almost always turned me down when I tried to have sex with him. It wreaked havoc on my self esteem.
- He refused to even sleep next to me most of the marriage. I BEGGED him to just sit with me so I could fall asleep (I'm a secondary insomniac because I was raped and find it impossible to sleep unless I feel safe) and he wouldn't even sit on the edge of the bed.
I don't want to post anymore because it's making me more depressed than I already am. I know I really miss the IDEA of having a husband... reddit how do I heal myself and how do I trust the next guy? (And hopefully you don't think I'm TOO pathetic. We dated a year and half and he was amazing. After 2.5 months of marriage .. he just changed overnight and all that other stuff happened.)