I really want to cease existing, not die because I would leave a grieving gf, family and friends behind, but just to never have existed. I have started the path of getting the job of my dreams at 18, and a great start at that, and all I can think is “I will fuck it up” or “I won’t be happy anyway”. I have a girlfriend who I love yet at the same time I feel tied down, like I have too much pressure on me, and that is part of it, not only Pressure for me, but also for my family and girlfriend. She has anxiety and whenever I get depressed or get anxiety she gets it and I end up helping her. I never have the energy to do anything at all, even if it is shit I really want to do, and my parents think I am just lazy even though I’ve tried to explain that there is more to it than that.

My best friend always puts me down with his “mean jokes” even though I’ve tried to show very clear hints that it hurts me but I know that if I tell him he will feel like absolute shit and I don’t know what he would do then, and if I would stop being his friend I think there is a big risk he might kill himself. I hate the way I look and I am starting to get fat but I don’t have the energy to do something about it. I am suicidal, depressed and filled with anxiety, why is life even a thing?