Forgiveness.
Let me elaborate because I don't think people really understand the power of forgiveness.
I was maaried to a man named Aaron who unfortunately had a lot of deamons. I loved the man dearly but we had to separate because things were toxic. He was an alcoholic and persued a career that wasn't husband friendly. He never delt with his fathers suicide and instead wpuld frequently got into suicide episodes after binge brinking. His mother tried to keep things from me especially his suicidal episodes. One time he took my car and tried to crash it and strangle himself near his mothers farm. Anyway, they tried to keep that from me but obviously one would realize that their husband and car is missing. So we had quite the history and i always thought that she never did enough because she would never encourage professional help. I would push and push for help, even got cupples counseling (on a 10.50 hr income) and he never showed. Anyways, we had some tension.
Then i announced i wanted to separate a few years later when Aaron was at his peak financially. He was never home, just sent money every now and then to keep the lights on. We talked on the phone a few times a day and i knew he still loved me but he wanted to do his thing. He was on the road (worked at motorcycle rallys) always partying and expermenting with new drugs. I really wanted to go to college and build something for myself. I just thought it was best for us to remove our marriage from the picture and remain friends. He seemed on board. I knew he was not good at convaying his emotions but i also tried to encourage him to see our marriage counselor for support. Months went on with a little bitter divorce drama but really we remained friends through it all. We had a very simple divorce. I kept the apartment (my mom lived like a few apartments down) and he kept the truck (that was in my name) and we kept the shit we brought into the marriage. I asked him to help out with rent only for a few months until i could find a more profitable job. We were civil although so young.
During the divorce there were a few exchanges with his family that really hurt me. His grandmother told me i didnt try hard enough (i was 21 and he was 24) when she didn't know shit. Ill admit that i had an over reaction and stormed off without saying goodbye. His grandfather thought i was cheating on Aaron. His mother however was oddly supportive to me. It was like she was on my side, she knew he was an alcoholic. One day i went to visit her and i had expressed how concerned i was for Aaron. I told her i don't see him making it to 40 if he doesn't get help. To my surprise she had said she couldn't see him making it to 30. One night he called me and was drinking and driving and i told him to come to my apartment. He came in crying and passed out on my lap on the couch. I took his keys and searched his truck and i found a gun. We never had a gun together but his family are big into guns. I thought about taking it but i didnt want him to know. I also did not trust myself with a gun at the time. So i passed on taking it.
A month after our divorce was finalized i get a series of odd texts and calls from Aaron. He was piss drunk and had been up for like days i guess. I was kinda annoyed because it was like 9 am. I told him i was going out to the farm to check on him. He told me not to and hung up. He proceeds to tell me not to come because of there will be red mist. I called his mother and she did not answer so i texted her. I then call the sheriff's office to tell them i was worried. They went out to do a wellness check and when they did, he tore off into a field and the cops tried to chase him and he shot himself in the head. He did not die right away, but at least he didn't die alone. The officer kept trying to comfort him but he wanted to die, and did.
No one called me or anything for the rest of that day. His mother texted me in the morning and said she was going to stop by. When she did she told me of his passing and it was so wild. She was so calm as i went into hysteria. Eventually i said to her, "i can still feel him." Which is the eirriest feeling in the world. She said, "me too." And we both started to cry. It was messy for the next few weeks. I knew aaron best but she was his mother... i wanted to say something at his funeral but she didn't want any of his friends to say anthing. She asked me not to come to his burial at this broke my heart. At least she asked me to only write 3 or 4 sentences for his obituary and pick one of the songs for his service. I picked wish you were here and they picked stairway to heaven. These were his favorite songs.
At the service it was pretty tense. I went there to pay my respects and i left a few things in his casket like pictures and a note and a flower i saved from our wedding. His mother went in after me and took my things and started to freak out. Her mother then came in and tried to console her telling her that everyone needs to greive. I just walked away and sat down. His grandmother comes up to me and apologized for her statement a while back and said that she knew i tried now. Gave me a hug and walked away. However, his grandfather came up to me and was very upset with this necklace that i wore. It was given to me by a jewler. It was a tribute to him, it had his birth stone and a small part of the casing from the bullet ingraved with his birthday. It was my choice to having the casing attached. Here is why, their family gave me the truck he shot himself in after taking his belongings out but left the truck a mess. I mean i drove it from the shop at which it was held to my apartment 25 miles away with a broken window (it was negative 25 that day) covered in dry blood. There was even a peice of flesh tissue on the seat. So all i had was the caseings of the bullet that he used to shoot. I dont know if it were the casing that he shot himself with but it was the only thing i had. So they made a necklace out of it and it wore it. Grief is a very powerful thing and sometimes causes us to do abnormal things that feel comforting in the mean time. His grandmother liked the necklace and his grandfather was insulted. He said i was distasteful and pathetic right in front of everyone and in front of Aaron's dead body. I collected my things and tried to leave but started crying really hard. I ended up falling to my knees as i was trying to leave and everyone started to rush around me and i was embarrassed just trying to leave. I ended up throwing the necklace in a field so bothered by all of it.
After the service there was still some things that brought tension. Like his mom distroying his cellphone that i was paying for, or not wanting to Share his suicide note that was adressed to me and everyone else. Me asking them to pay me for the cellphone they distroyed and getting into a fight about that and threatening small claims (which i never did). I field bankruptcy due to the 10k truck and a 1500 Verizon bill (they were so fucking rude to me when i told them why i couldn't pay for the phone).
This still brings up those hurt feelings although its been years. However after the first year i began to really hate these people. I would think about it all the time and i would see them around town and i would hide afraid to see them again. I grew really depressed and angry. One day i saw his grandfather around town and my heart began to physically flutter out of anger. I was so irrationally angry that i wanted to hurt this old man. Right then and there God or the universe told me to forgive. It was not a instant forgiveness but each time i thought about it i would tell myself to forgive.
Now almost 5 years later i can say that it still hurts but i have fully forgiven all of them. I hope and pray that they have forgiven me because we were all the victims of this tragedy. Now that i understand grief i have alsp forgiven myself which was harder than forgiving them. But i let go of a lot of anger by doing so. What's really wild was once i forgave these people I stopped seeing them everywhere too.
Anyways forgiveness for those who are tldr.