It was in college, I was at my buddies' house, drinkin' and actin' a fool. There were only like four girls there, and I'm pretty sure two of them were one enormously fat girl. Calling this girl a "repulsive slug" is an insult to slugs around the world. Anyways, as with most fat girls, this girl had big boobs. Not just big, ENORMOUS. And she was wearing a very low cut dress. These veiny masses of fat were spilling out. It was tantalizing. Something came over me, I couldn't focus on anything but her boobs. It was like the tractor beam on the Death Star pulling in the Millennium Falcon. And just like the Death Star...this was no moon.

We were on my friends' deck, with a few of my buddies and her friends. She shimmies her way over to me, pausing momentarily to sniff the spent grill, I can only imagine to ponder what we had eaten. She starts talking to me in this raspy, disgusting, smoker's voice. Touching my arm. Pressing her gigantic breasts against me. I was revolted. I was also rock hard. She begins to rub my leg, while pulling her top down, revealing more breast than I thought possible. At this point at least 10" of boob was exposed, and there was still no sign of her undoubtedly massive areola. There was no turning back. I convinced myself that as long as I didn't have sex with this monster, it would just be one of those funny stories I would reflect on later.

Keep in mind I was hypnotized by her breasts. "Hey, you should give me some head." She struggled to kneel before me. After a series of grunts, and strange animal noises she made it to the ground. The deck groaned in agony. I groaned in self loathing and anticipation. She unzipped my pants, releasing my massively huge penis. Despite having at least a 8" 12" 14" penis, it was dwarfed by the binary star system resting on her phlegm filled chest. She starts blowing me. It's okay. A few minutes in, I'm close. She has me right where she wants me. Then she springs it on me. "You should fuck me." I had an internal struggle that felt like hours, but in reality was likely only a split second. "Ugh. Okay."

The deck is L-shaped, wrapping around the house. The long part of the L was behind the house, under a ton of deciduous trees. It was fall, so there were leaves everywhere. She takes my hand in her meaty paw, and guides me over to a substantial pile, and lays me down. She hikes up her moo-moo, revealing a strange, flesh toned fat suit. I had a brief hope in my mind that this was some sort of test; an absolutely stunning woman wanted to make sure a man could love her for what was inside, so she presented herself as the monster before me, only to reveal her true beauty once I had passed the test. Sadly, this was not the case. Quite the opposite actually. It was some sort of compression suit. To this day I am convinced this material was of alien origin, because upon removing it I contend, despite the mathematical impossibilities, she somehow gained mass, not just volume. The deck agreed. The 4x4 posts were groaning in protest.

If a fire marshal was present he would have undoubtedly issued tickets for the deck being over capacity, and then called the local zoo to see who was responsible for the escaped elephant he had just found. With the compression suit removed, and her jiggling body adjusting to atmospheric pressure, she mounts me. I cant breath. Is this autoerotic asphyxiation? I can't be sure, I begin to lose consciousnesses. I can feel every cellulitic dimple on her body. Her surface area is mind boggling. The sweat on her skin isn't really sweat, as much as a coagulated stew of oil and grease oozing from her dilated pores. I try to push her off me. She grunts and keeps going. I manage to grab a hold of a baluster on the deck railing for leverage, and using the lubrication of her human sauce, manage to writhe out from under her. I wiggle my pants up, and get fully clothed before she manages to rotate her massive neck, and grunt what I can only assume was an inquiry into my departure.

I run all the way home. The next day, I return to the scene of the crime. I hoped it was all a nightmare, a bad dream. As I approach the door to go inside, I see it. The compression suit draped over the deck. It may have been my imagination, but I swear that the wood under the parachute sized textile was rotting at an increased rate. Before I had a chance to examine this material closely, one of my friends picked it up with a broomstick and chased me around the house.

I wish I was making this up. It was terrifying. After a brief chase through their small house, that would have been worthy of some Benny Hill music, my friend eased off. At this point there were about six of us. We all looked at this thing with curious disgust, and decided the best course of action was to burn it. We took it out to where it was discovered, still on the broom stick, and used some hairspray and a lighter to torch the thing. My friend waved it around in some strange ritualistic dance that we hoped would ward the house of this demon for good. Sadly it did not. If anyone is interested I will tell the follow up story. God I wish this was one of the many lies I have told on here. But I assure you that everything is true. The penis size may have been slightly embellished. Slightly.

EDIT: Some spelling, and the follow-up; So the morning of The Burn, after the deed was done, we were all sitting in the living room recounting the tale of the night before. I was humiliated. But being true friends, my boys disclosed what happened after I disappeared. She came in the house, and proceeded to blow three out of the five guys there...fully nude. We were all in this massive boat together, but since I was the only one who had actually fucked her, I was clearly the captain. So we are sitting on this couch, in tears of laughter and disgust, when one of my friends says, "Dude...she's outside." "What? Who?" "Her! The Beast."

Now this particular friend was known to bullshit and fuck with us, so we all doubt him. He was the only one facing the wall with the front door/window, so it could have been a lie. The shades were drawn, but he had seen her unmistakable silhouette. I checked my Vitamin Water for the tell-tale ripples of an approaching monster, but saw none. Then we heard the muffled knock that could only be attributed to human bone under several inches of fat. It was her. The room went silent. We stared around in fear and disbelief. Silently, we all considered hiding. Then a silent, but animated debate broke out as to who should open the door. After lots of pointing and aggressive hand motions, I was to open the door. After all, I was the captain of this shipping barge.

Time to face the music. I get up, walk over to the door, and open it. My eyes were squinting in an attempt to censor this unsightly creature in real time. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I was angry. Angry at myself. Her apparition was just reinforcement of my horrible decision. I had assumed she had spotted the offensive, volatile, black mushroom cloud released from The Burn from the vantage point her cave no doubt provided, and wanted to check on her garment. But she had just lost her cell phone somewhere in the house during her blowjob spree. So we were all sitting there, 4/6 of us in complete shame, while she stomped around the house looking for a device no bigger than a Clark Bar. She didn't find it. Sometimes, late at night when I can't sleep I wonder, would she have found it had it been an actual Clark Bar?