Wow, I had to make a throwaway account just for this.

For starters, I've been involved in 987 sexual partnerships, 34 of which were with A-list celebrities; close to 100 threesomes, 58 foursomes, orgies (with an entire cheerleading squad, a group of cosplayers, and a sorority to name a few), and many more sex stuff they'd be ashamed of. Furthermore, I live life very dangerously. One time, I was on a plane when all of a sudden I felt an uncontrollable urge to tackle the air Marshall. Shit escalated, and I found myself fighting on the wing of the plane. Boy wasn't that fun. In addition, there was this one time that I hijacked a bus. It was shuttling lifeguards to the beach and I was in my penthouse. I saw the bus driving by and without thinking, jumped off my penthouse balcony, landing on the bus. I pulled out my handy dandy pocket knife, and carved a hole in the bus roof. I jumped inside and started dropkicking everyone in sight. I pulled the bus driver out of the seat and threw him into the back. Then I proceeded to drive the bus at 400 mph, crashing into a couple thousand cars as the swat was chasing me. I see a boardwalk up ahead and step on the gas. Right as we're about to go over, I get out of the seat, walk to the hole in the roof, turn on my wing suit, and lunge in the air. The wind thrusts my body into the atmosphere, and I escape from the swat just as the bus crashes into the water. There was this other thing I did where I went into a jail and broke everyone out. I did that like six times. Once, in my food truck days, I stole a baluga whale and attached it to the top of my truck to attract business. Back when I played in the NFL, I puked in the mascot outfit but didn't tell anybody. I doubt my parents would want to hear about that. I rowed a boat over the edge of Niagra Falls, because why not? I stapled a man's hand to my RV back when I went on my cross-country road trip. When I was a character in Disney World, I told a kid to stop dreaming big, because his life sucked. I don't think my parents would want to know about all my business ventures either. I've started up an antiques store, five restaurants, a law firm, and two television shows. I turned all those business into multi-million dollar companies, then sold them all. On top of all that, back when I ran for presidency, my drug mafia took a major hit. They'd probably be disappointed in me for not maintaining it. When I worked in a bowling alley that one week, I dropped a ball on my supervisors foot, then proceeded to burn the place to the ground. When I ran my escape the room company, I gave people false clues to escape. It was hilarious. That year that I played high-stakes poker for a living, I never actually brought money with me. Good thing I didn't ever lose. I don't lose poker.

I could go into more but that's just all I can think of off the top of my head.