I've been living with intermittent/mild psychosis. I have a lot of impulsive thoughts. Since I was a child I've exposed myself to more and more bizarre porn and erotic essays.
I have impulsive thoughts to hurt and torture others, never myself.
I hate these thoughts, I don't want or like the idea of hurting people and I never have. No more than what might occur in teenage years but nothing abnormal or serious.
I have very disturbing dreams, like removing my fathers eyes surgically and eating them and blaming it on my handicapped sister because nobody would believe her.
I suffer from pedophillia and I say suffer because I have NEVER once harmed, touched or made any move on an underage person and I never intend to. I think the behaviour is disgusting and I'm very ashamed of what kind of person I've become. I have read underage erotica but this happens during dissociative events. During these times I don't feel at all in control, just like a voyeur through my own eyes. I will lie in bed at night for several hours thinking of obscene and deranged things happening to people and masturbating to some very shocking fantasies such as super-orgies of death, torture and scatological sex. I'll often wake up in a sweat and/or crying because frankly I hate it all.
I have autism spectrum disorder and I think a lot of the issues are rooted in the difficulties that ASD created for me.
I haven't ever really opened up to anyone. Just one person and it was only by being extremely drunk at a going away party I had, we were walking down the street and I was polishing off a bottle of whiskey and it came out.
It's something I'm terrified I'll get caught on. In my teen years I had looked at some images and videos before the gravity of what it was really hit me. Call it willful-ignorance but at about 16 I realized what I was into was wrong.
The thing is and this is what a lot of people don't understand. I can't risk getting help. Society doesn't accept people like me. I've never hurt or imposed myself on anyone, I've never let my thoughts turn to action, but still I'd be tarred with the same brush. It's hard to pretend I enjoy sex, because I really don't. My girlfriend hasn't seen through the act yet and for all the love I have for her, I hope she'll never know the truth.
I've been homeless, I've worked as a prostitute for a couple of years and now things are finally stable with a real job, my own flat and a shred of freedom between the two. Getting help puts all that at risk and I've seen the documentaries of mental hospitals and prisons and how they treat people like me.
So for the last 12 years, since I was a pre-teen, my demons are still there, the impulses, the obsessive thoughts and each lonely night trying to avoid giving in to my impulses to hurt people, to seek out illegal material online or to just stop it all. But instead I have to put on an act that everything is fine and I'm normal. I have to avoid any contact with underage folk and tend to avoid my niece at all costs. Not because I'm afraid I'll do something or anything, but I care immensely about her and feel she'd grow up better without such a high-risk person in her life. Even if it makes me look like a cold, uncaring uncle.
Thanks for reading if you did, I expect this will disappear in this thread - or even be down-voted to oblivion but I needed to get this out. It's a heavy weight to carry and I need to talk about it somehow, even if it's just this one anonymous post.