Listen. I have a very personal relationship with my lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Very personal. I met him three years ago at a bar in downtown Reno. I was hanging out with a few of my friends- they were all getting shitfaced, but unfortunately, I was the designated driver. So I was just sitting there sipping on a glass of ice water. Then this Middle Eastern guy takes a seat next to me. "Do you wanna see a really cool trick?" he asked. I wasn't sure if he was hitting on me or not, but I was bored off my ass, so I said sure. Then he snapped his fingers and my water turned into wine. "Jesus Christ!" I said. He grinned and said, "Yup, that's my name. And if you play your cards right, you'll be screaming it all night long. You want to get into heaven, you sexy little thing? Well, let me put it this way...the only way to The Father is through me." I'm not gay, so I was feeling pretty awkward. But after a few shots of some holy spirits, I started to loosen up. And it dawned on me that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I would become the first person in human history to bone Jesus- who could pass that up? So I abandoned my friends and went back to his place. He lit some candles and put on some Christmas carols to set the mood. After a few glasses of sacramental wine, I was ready to go. I tore his robes off and thrust my manhood inside him. The feeling was incredible- it was like fucking three people at the same time. "OH, ME!" he screamed in ecstasy. "I HAVEN'T BEEN NAILED THIS HARD SINCE THE CRUCIFIXION!" I blew my load pretty quickly, but he wasn't done with me. He bent me over and whispered, "Are you ready to accept the body of Christ?" He didn't even wait for answer- he jammed his divine rod in my asshole and went to town. I was surprised at how fast he came-but then again, he hadn't gotten laid in 2,000 years, so I could see why. Well, I thought he was finished. He rolled me over on my back and said, "Are you ready for the Second Coming?" and sprayed his holy seed all over my face. May the lord have mercy on your soul.