I took my Jaguar to the dealership and it bit everyone.

A girl named Diane and a girl named Ann should not hang out, because if someone calls out for Diane it will sound like they're yelling slander at Ann.

At first I didn't like cancer but it grows on you.

I looked up the definition of no in the dictionary and my girlfriend was right, no means no.

Don't believe everything you hear, like an audiobook of the bible.

My girlfriend broke up with me over the phone she was like (static) we're breaking up (static).

I saw 2 janitors making out and I was like get a broom you two!

I asked a German guy "Are you gay? Answer on a scale of 1-10." He said NEIN!

He died doing what he loved. He loved committing suicide.

My mom was always a problem solver. I remember one time she grabbed the vodka bottle and said- I'm gonna get to the bottom of this!

I'm a bored-again Christian.

Everyone can walk on water if it's frozen.

I wear a pedometer to bed because I sleepwalk.

Victoria's Secret is she had to get liposuction.

The words folk and fuck sound similar so when I serve tables I say to families, "How are you fucks today?"