I'm not necessarily proud of this one, but even despite how trashy it is, I still relish in being an agent of chaos.

My grandfather had just had a stroke, but he was alive and recovering under the 24/7 care of my mom. My uncle and his (now ex) wife immediately ransacked his house, spent as much money as they could on his debit cards, and took whatever else they deemed valuable. My grandfather was absolutely saintly and if I can ever be half the man he was, I'll be doing excellently in life. If it had been up to me, I would have pressed charges, but my grandpa was too sick to deal with it and my mom, on top of being devastated with the state of her father, was just too overwhelmed with being a full-time caretaker. Regardless, to say that I was pissed would have been a massive understatement.

Anyway, my wife recently acquired a giant purple dildo as a gag gift at her sister's bachelorette party. When I say that this thing is big, I don't mean that it was the Cadillac of dongs; It was a comically large dick that would have put a clydesdale to shame. It had sat in the floor in a bag and under a table since my wife had brought it home and after a few laughs about it, but that night after I was uncharacteristically inebriated, it caught my eye. I raided the kitchen drawer for a stray sharpie, grabbed the dick, and scribbled, "FUCK YOU, YOU FAT BITCH!"

Before my wife could even notice that I slipped away, I had tucked the wang into a backpack and began making my way toward my aunt and uncle's house. When I arrived, I unsheathed the purple lightsaber of a dick and chucked it as hard as I could upon their front porch. I promptly spun around and began quickly shambling toward my house. I suppose my journey had taken me longer than I thought because by the time I stumbled through my front door, my wife was looking for me and immediately suspected that I had done something unsavory. When I let her in on my dirty deed, I think she wanted to be mad, but she couldn't stop laughing.

It's a small-town, and per the nature of such places, nothing stays in the dark for too long - and certainly not oversized plastic wangs that end up in precarious places during the middle of the night. A couple of weeks later, we were visiting my mom and grandpa when my mom urged us to follow her onto the front porch because she had something to tell us. My stomach was in knots as I immediately suspected that she was about to share some bad news about my grandfather, but she instead told us, between fits of laughter, that my aunt had discovered a big purple dick with "fat bitch" scrawled across its shaft on her porch. She had immediately assumed it had been placed there by another neighbor, who was not only my uncle's first wife but someone who he had recently had an affair with, and it had escalated into a nasty physical altercation. My aunt and the neighbor had pressed charges on each other and my aunt had gotten a restraining order.

My wife and I looked at each other and began laughing until we were in tears. As funny as her version of the story was, my mom knew something was up. I then had to awkwardly explain to my mother that I, her son, had came into possession of this brightly colored monumental pp and that I had taken upon myself to drunkenly graffiti it, transport it to my uncle and aunt's house in the middle of the night, and launch it into their yard. Luckily, my mom has a pretty good sense of humor, so found it all to be pretty hilarious.

Revenge is a dish dick best served cold long and hard.