Pooped myself in a mall. There will be disgusting imagery in this story.

I have the kind of food allergies that make it difficult for me to eat out, so I only eat things that I've either cooked myself or that came pre-packaged with a full ingredients list. And I decided to go with four of my friends to a scifi/anime convention.

Our hotel room didn't have a microwave, so I ate crap. I typically fixed my own meals and they usually included lots of protein and vegetables, and for three days I ate crap. Our hotel was too shitty to put out those little cereal boxes in the mornings, but they did have pre-packaged gas-station-type pastries, and my friends were nice enough to bring some up for me for breakfast. There was a convenience store just a few blocks away, but we were all in full cosplay and carrying mock weapons, so it was much easier to just use the hotel vending machines (which was actually a different hotel than the one we were staying at, but had completely given up on feeding all 5,000 of us and had just put out water coolers at regular intervals so that nobody died in their fursuit.) There was food for sale in the dealer's room, but the stuff that had ingredients lists was all in Japanese.

So I ate crap. And was pleasantly surprised at how not-sick I felt. I felt fine. I felt great.

So eventually it was time to go home, and I'd been swearing for the past few months that the second I got back I was gonna cut my hair. I'd been growing it our for one of my cosplays, and it was driving me nuts. So my friends dropped me off at my apartment, I changed into some normal people clothes, and I walked to a nearby mall that I knew included a hairdresser. I got one of the shortest pixie cuts I have ever gotten, and it felt great, and I felt beautiful, and that was when the pain started. Like I needed to let out the biggest, meanest fart ever to escape someone's asshole.

I paid and got the hell out of there, and while I was walking away I cut loose, and it smelled worse than anything that had ever come out of my body. I started walking quicker, and I farted again, aaaand I shit myself.

I'd been playing Cards Against Humanity in various hallways for the last three days, and at one point I'd won a round with "When you fart and a little bit comes out," and the irony was what I focused on while I power walked to the nearest bathroom. I'd been wearing a pad, because periods, and it looked like Christmas in my pants because my shit was bright fucking green and smelled like nothing I'd ever smelled before.

At this point my brain had pretty much disengaged about as much as it's possible to when your own body is betraying you, so I got out my phone and browsed Reddit while my asshole trumpeted and a thousand Mrs. Freshley's pastries announced their vengeance. At one point a janitor walked through with his rolling yellow mop bucket. He walked right back out again like something from a comedy.

Eventually the pain let up, and I was able to clean myself up, put a fresh pad in, and walk home. I made it just in time to yank my pants off and destroy my own toilet.

Shitting yourself in a shopping mall isn't normal. But on cosplay it is.