Right now my future is the scariest thing in my life. Everything I'm about to say is a little rant like, but I have a lot that I need to say that is contained within my future.
Some quick background to help understand things without writing pages: I grew up poor; with a father that was absent for a few years, it wasn't his fault overall, but it just made things worse; since the beginning of highschool I've been depressed with suicidal tendencies with declining physical health, I'm a college freshman at the moment; and I've had to help my family financially so that we could get by, which equated to close to 4 grand of my earnings during senior year going to keeping power on and food around.
Considering all these facts I decided on my college to late and had to live off campus. There I let my parents and friends convince me to rent an apartment that costs way too much. At first financial aid covered everything perfectly and during my first semester through the summer I was trying really hard, but that all changed. My father started asking for money behind my mothers back because they needed money but my mom could never ask me, and this lead to mentally fucking me when my mom asks how I'm doing financially and I have to lie and say everything is workable. Another piece of info I missed is that my mother is my rock and the person I respect most in this world and not telling her everything gives me physical pain.
With the start of the fall semester all my drive and passion died, I found out I need a job to stay in school, and I'm now responsible for two puppies because I thought it would make me want to live, it's actually helped but has added a lot of stress. Luckily I found a job and I had a grand left from financial aid, with all bills paid till December, and I thought I was set. My dad needed help again and now I'm down to $100 with a paycheck coming in 2 weeks and a vet appointment next week because the puppies were neglected and have some problems. Among all that I am suffering from anxiety because I met a girl that lit my heart on fire the moment I saw her, and every conversation makes me fall even harder. For once I feel happy, but I have a 0% succes rate with asking people out and can't deal with a deeper slide into depression. There is more stuff mixed in but this stuff makes me scared I'll make it through the year.
Sorry for the word vomit I just have a lot of stupid shit that is piling up and killing me.