TRIGGER WARNING I am misogynistic & very sexually agressive with women, especially young women. I've been investigated for rape before but no charges were filed. I once molested my (then) 14 yo neighbor's daughter during a drunken rage. During my twenties I dated a girl off and on for seven years that I manipulated by threatening her. I'd come home in a drunken stupor, and sometimes use her as a punching bag or sodomize her. She ended up becoming an alcoholic herself and ended up in prison for hitting someone with her car while drunk. I had an on-again, off-again 2 year relationship with a 20 year old black girl, she'd let me hit her and have rough anal sex with her. She'd been abused since she was little so I didn't care.. I actually ended it because I was afraid one day I was going to take it too far and break bones or put her in the hospital. As much as I wanted to keep hurting her I was scared I was going to kill her or hurt her real bad. She eventually went into a psych ward because of her mental health issues.
My family asks why I'm not in a relationship and I lie "oh, I'm just waiting for the right one"
The reality is I have an insatiable desire to hurt women - if I could get away with it I'd continue to beat the fuck out of women. And that's the scary part; I don't care about them as people, the only reason I don't act on my feeling is my fear of the law.
So I stay single and just masturbate. I haven't touched a woman or had sex in nearly five years, because I'm afraid that this time will be the one that puts me away for a long time. I've also been in AA since 2013, because I know if I get drunk I'll hurt somebody.
But I still think about hitting them. I'll be in a coffee shop or the mall and see a pretty girl and wonder what it would be like to abuse her. If a girl starts talking to me or flirting I immediately just change the subject or walk away. I actually avoid them if I can - because I know what I'm capable of.
And if anyone wants to know, I was molested by my grandfather at 5, and I was severely bullied in high school. I know I have a serious problem but I'm afraid to get help. Just the shame of having to talk to a therapist would kill me.