I might be a rapist, and I’m not sure what to think.
About a year ago, and old friend helped me move into my new apartment. When we were finishing up, she and I decided to drink together as a small celebration, just us in my new room. A few shots of Bacardi in, and we were already getting tipsy. Out of nowhere, a sexual tension started to break, and we started getting handsy and talking dirty. At some point, she eventually was sitting on top of me. Granted, we’ve had feelings for each other in the past, but nothing had ever come of them and we only revealed them to each other years later, laughing it off like friends.
Then her friend, who was nearby at the time, called her and she decided to go visit and do a line of coke with him. I was cool with that and she said she’d be back soon. But before she left, I asked her if she would consent to anything sexual, given that I realized we were already not sober anymore and we’d only lose judgement more throughout the night, so I wanted to give her the courtesy of making a choice before the coke fully blew her mind out. She pondered for a moment, and then, “Yeah, I’d fuck you.”
When she got back a few hours later, I was admittedly pretty excited. She was undoubtedly hot as hell, and I’ve had times where I lusted over her before. Here was the problem: she was on a severe comedown from the coke by that time, something I couldn’t realize in the moment. So when I tried to reignite whatever was going on before she left, it was rough and I was met with an uncertainty from her. The rest of the night, it was a back and forth from us being naked and making out to her turning over and me trying to coerce her back into the mood. By the time the sun came up, she quietly packed up and left, and within a few days, I sent a huge apology text to her, to which she never responded.
In the end, I never actually had sex with her, nor did I physically force anything onto her, but I destroyed our friendship and realized how much I was pressuring her during that night. I miss talking to her a lot and angrily regret what I did, but I’m also afraid of what all of it makes me. I’m going to delete this soon because my new girlfriend regularly checks my phone, but some advice or opinions, primarily from women, would be much appreciated.